Life Can Be Cruel

2 weeks ago, I had a positive pregnancy test because of an ovarian cyst. Today, I received formula samples in the mail. Yet, 22 months ago, I had a hysterectomy leaving me unable to ever again grow a child within...

When Robert and I married on November 1, 2003, we were open to all life that God provided us with. We were open. We were hopeful. We were happy. We both wanted "a houseful."

After Robert came at 36wks due to a placental abruption and velementous cord, we were scared. When Hannah was born at 35wks due to another placental abruption, we were terrified. The docs told us that I would never abrupt again, yet I did and it was worse than the one before. Then, I became pregnant with Wesley and was diagnosed with Factor V Leiden, MTHFR Mutation, and Protein S Deficiency. My abruptions made sense now and I was started on blood thinners for the entire pregnancy in hopes to avoid another abruption. When labor began at 32wks and failed to stop, I was again rushed to the OR for my third emergency c-section. This time, once inside, it was revealed that I was beginning to abrupt....again.

After this, we were told that another pregnancy would result in my life, the baby's life, or both. We were scared. We were terrified. Outsiders advised us to go beyond the confines of our Faith, but we stuck our guns and were open to God's will. And life happened as normal.

When Wesley turned 15months old, I had my first of many surgeries to avoid a hysterectomy. Sadly, each failed and in January of 2011, it was decided that there were no other options, a hysterectomy must occur. I was lost. We were both sad as we now knew our chances of having a bigger family would never happen. I sunk into a depression, while Robert remained my rock. I researched and journaled everyday leading up to the surgery. It was one of the lowest points that I can recall...

March 3, 2011 came and went. I woke in recovery sobbing that this piece of me, a piece of my feminity, was gone forever. But then I saw my children and realized that I am no less their mother. I looked at my husband and realized that I was no less his wife. I was no less the daughter, friend, confidant...

But, I was and forever will be without the part of me that allowed me to co-create new life with my husband and God. And these past 2 weeks has brought up all of those raw emotions that were pushed into the dark recesses of my head. The knowing that this will never happen again is so hard. I loved being pregnant, but I did not fully embrace it. Had I known that that last time, I would have done things differently, taken pictures, journaled more, etc etc...

It took losing my fertility to fully appreciate the true gift that it is, a statement that brings me great sadness...

1 Down, ____ To Go!

Well, both my checkbook and I survived the acupuncture appointment! It began with a long history - she wanted to know all about me, my parents, siblings, and grandparents. She went back YEARS with my history - to when I was in 7th grade and developed appendicitis! She feels that all of this is intertwined somehow. We spoke about diet and the environment. We spoke about day to day routines. We spoke in depth about the past 18months.

After this, she 'examined' me in a very nontraditional way. She wiggled my arms and legs. She felt my pulses. She looked at my tongue (?!?!) She asked me a few questions during this that had never been asked before.

Once this was done, she sat down and said she can get me better. She knows how to end my pain..... now, I have been told this many times already, but before I could question her, she made the comment that, 'I am sure you have heard this from all of the doctors you have already seen.' This made me feel good. She then proceeded to tell me that there is no 'quick fix.' That her best guess would be 6-12months. It would include acupuncture, a form of Chinese massage and herbs, and dietary changes....

I was informed that I would have to completely give up diet coke! GASP! For those of you that know me well, know that I love diet coke. It is my drink of choice and has been for as long as I can remember. I asked permission to finish what was in my fridge, and she said okay... but when that is gone, there will be no more :-/ This will be the hard, but if it can help me feel better, I am totally game!


After this come to Jesus moment, she left and came back a few moments later ready to start the poking. I was nervous, but ready. The first one was on my right shin. It was a bit uncomfortable, but no big deal. She then proceeded to place some in my calfs, knees, and feet. Then slowly worked her way to my hands, ears (OUCH!), and scalp. It was different. Some I felt, others not at all. Once she was done, she brought over 2 heat lamps, turned off the lights, and told me to relax. After she left, I fell asleep!

Once everything was said and done, we chatted some more and I paid. She wants to do 2 sessions of Chinese massage and then re-evaluate. At this point, I am no longer scared. The only thing that has me on edge is the money, but I know that if this is HIS will, that HE will find a way. So, we will pray about it and go with whatever path HE shows us! :-)

(Special thanks to my fabulous girlfriend for coming over from Orange Park to sit with my babies.... all while dealing with her 8month old and all day pregnancy sickness. We love you, Katrina!)

Mama Mary and Baby Andrew (8 months old)

Mrs. Katrina with Robert, Hannah, and Wesley

Accupuncture.....

Well, today at 3:00, I meet with Beth at Beth's Center for Accupuncture for a consultation and first session. I have so very many mixed emotions going into today.....

I am scared. I have no idea what to expect. You see pictures like this one to the right and it totally freaks me out. I do not want to look like that! And then the thought of needles all over my body is just plain unnerving! While I have no fear of needles, I do have a fear of MANY needles. Before I go, I am going to set aside time to say a Rosary. That way, my head will be clear and I will have the Blessed Mother on my side!

I am hopeful - but in a hesitant, afraid to get my hopes too high kind of way. I have tried so many things, from chiropractic care (that only caused things to get worse), to physical therapy, to doctor after doctor, and even surgery to remove adhesions. All of which did not work. So while I desperately, with every ounce of my being, need and want this to work, I am so scared to get my hopes up out of fear that they will be crushed again..... But I am going into this with a positive attitude. I have heard many positive things about this. I have also heard of people feeling completely better after the first session.

God-willing, this is the answer to many prayers........

Post-Op Appt / Biopsy Results

After much anticipation, I finally had my post-op appointment today and here is what I learned:

• There is a "tumor" on my liver. He gave me the name, but I was more focused on the fact that it is and forever will be benign, that I never wrote it down. :-)
•  He was quite encouraged that the pain has been slightly relieved.
• With the improvement in pain, he feels that should we decide on the final step, it will not be as invasive as initially thought. So, instead of a large incision and hospital stay, it would be a smaller 2 (or so) inch incision and I would go home the same day.

I left there feeling very good - not only was my liver fine, but should nothing work and this next step be required, it will not be as invasive as initially thought. It will still be a more difficult recovery than my laproscopic surgeries, but compared to what was first presented 6 weeks ago, this is MUCH easier. . .

I return to my pain management doc next week to talk/update him on everything and see what, if anything else he has to offer. And then it is up to Robert and I to discern and pray for wisdom and guidance. . .

The post that I have been avoiding. . .

Well, there is good news and bad news in regards to this most recent surgery - not sure which to share first. . .

Good News: The surgery has helped *some* and the recovery has been flawless. I am still tired and sore, but that improves with each passing day. We are beyond thrilled for a smooth recovery as this has not happened with ANY of the surgeries since Wes was born, almost 3 years ago. We are so grateful for this blessing and all of your prayers.

Bad News: The surgery has helped *some*. Prior to the surgery, the nerve pain began in my lower right pelvis (about 2 inches above my c-section scar) and extended into my groin. For the most part the pelvis part is gone, meaning that the adhesions were pressing on that section of the nerve, but from about my c/s scar down, the pain remains - the area that he could not get to in this surgery. This is quite discouraging to me, but I have to keep in mind that it did lessen the total area of my pain and for that I must remain grateful.

Our prayer was for relief and an easy, uncomplicated recovery. All of this *has* occurred, just not in the full capacity that we had hoped for. I have had to remind myself many times that my plan in not His plan. So, for now, I follow up with my surgeon 1 week from today and will see my pain doctor after that. I also spoke with an herbalist and an acupuncturist and we will see where that brings us.

I am trying to remain positive and not focus on the negative. Big Robert is doing an incredible job in helping me with this. He is my cheerleader and confidant. . . I am trying so hard, but it is honestly difficult. My prayer now is for courage, trust, and endurance as we continue on this journey that is evolving and ever changing. This journey that I must remind myself *has* improved. . .

Bump In The Road. . .

There has been quite a lot going on in our life lately. I have made public Hannah's issue, but I have not spoken a lot about myself lately and I think that it is time as I could use the prayers. . .

As many of you know, I had a hysterectomy in March of this year and since then, it has been one issue after another. Shortly after the surgery, I was diagnosed with illioinguinal and genitofemoral neuralgia. We began a series of nerve blocks, but those only lasted for a short while. The fact that they worked, however, showed us that this diagnosis was indeed correct. The problem was that they were not lasting longer than 48 hours.

After so long, the first pain doc threw up his hands, telling me that he had nothing more to offer me since I was not open to the peripheral nerve stimulator. He was closely followed by the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th opinions that turned out to be quacks or out of options. I finally found one that is completely committed to helping with this pain. I am far to young to be dealing with pain like this and he fully understands this.

At our most recent appointment, we had a heart to heart. He told me that it was getting to the point where he was thinking that the PNS was my only option. Of course, I began to cry and he decided to perform a physical exam at this point. Upon doing so, he felt a mass of sorts in that lower right quadrant, where I hurt the most and quickly said that he wants me to see a general surgeon.

I saw the surgeon 2 weeks ago and once again, he is an incredible man. He gave me tissues as I cried and listened to my entire story. He asked questions and told me that he too is committed to getting rid of this pain. After he finished taking a history, asking questions, and performing an exam, we came up with a plan beginning with the least invasive and progressing from there. . .

The first thing he wanted done was a colonoscopy to see if there was any inflammation inside pressing on the nerve. That was performed last week and came back normal. After that, he wanted to perform a laparscopic surgery to look for any stitches/staples that should have dissolved but have not and to remove as much scar tissue as he can.

This will take place next Thursday, December 29 at 10am. 

I am terribly anxious about this as the last surgery that I had was the hysterectomy and that was meant to be simple but turned into anything but. . .I am also very anxious about the pain as any little thing exemplifies my already significant pain to an unbearable level. I know that all will be well, but I am human and I worry. . . 

I am trying to remain very positive that this will end the pain. That this will provide a simple answer to all that has been going on and causing these issues. I am also trying to remain positive that this will all go as planned. That there will not be a single complication that will add to the recovery.

So, if you do not mind, I would greatly appreciate prayers, and not only for me, but for my kiddos and hubby as these are not just 'my' issues, but 'our' issues. . . Thank you in advance. xoxoxo