Home Sweet Home

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Typically, many days before we are to leave for vacation, I have the kiddos packed and ready to go. However, this time, as I prepare for our trip home in a few days, I have not even started. In fact, I have piles of laundry that need to be folded, ironed, and put away. I have chores and preparations galore and not a single 'free' day (No Mass, birthday parties, nursery, etc) in which to get everything done...

Yes, I could get things done right now instead of writing (and being distracted by the kiddos on the slip and slide!), but honestly, the desire is not there. I want to go home. I want to see my family. I want to have the reassurance that just because our trip home 4 months ago was hard, that the others will not be. I want the reassurance that my parents and siblings are happy and healthy. I need this trip, but like I have mentioned before, I am terrified...

In a few short days, I will drive through small town in Mississippi. The same small town that we would stop in on our way to/from Jackson to see Maura Anne. This was Maura's home for almost a decade. She loved it, we loved it. She was so happy here. As we drive through the town there will be a McDonalds on the right hand side. This McDonalds has a playground. On this playground, I said farewell to Maura as we moved away from Mississippi. On this playground, Maura held her nephew, Lil' Robert so tenderly and lovingly; showering him with kisses and too tight squeezes. It was here that she met her niece, Hannah, for the first time. Sadly, when Wesley made his entrance, our trips home lessened and they were short and busy. We traveled at night and did not stop. I carry great guilt for this...

Later on in our stay, we will take a trip to the cemetery to visit and place flowers at both Maura and John David's gravesites. We will say our prayers and shed our tears. The reality that this is where now not only one, but two of my siblings reside (I know their soul is in Heaven....) is scary. Last time I was there, I was on autopilot. I was making the motions and doing what I was told. This time, it will be by choice. There will be no autopilot. I will be me, Mary Pauline, making the decision to go...

I know there will be great joy and celebration on this trip - Mollie is graduating High School, Clare is graduating Nursing School, Will is entering his 3rd year of med school, JoJo is graduating 8th grade, Michael's upcoming Germany trip, Rachael/Bret's 3rd anniversary, professional family pictures,  etc etc. However, I cannot move beyond my selfish fears. They keep me up at night and fill my little sleep with nightmares. They have me on edge and procrastinating during the day...

Even with all of my fears, I am confident of 2 things - 1.) That this trip will be a huge success, even if nobody has matching clothes or must wear the same outfit the entire time because I did not pack appropriately! and 2.) Once I am surrounded by my brothers and sisters and Mama and Papa, that all of my fears will be forgotten...

It will be a good, reassuring, trip home...

PS, When we return from MS, the kiddos will be in for quite a surprise! I will not open my mouth here, but very soon you will find out - stay tuned!** Click here to see what we brought home!**

Gratitude...

Today was an incredible day. Every Mother's Day since 2005, I have been in complete awe at just how miraculous life really and truly is. Today, that hit home in a big way - a friend on Facebook asked for urgent prayers for a little 9 month old boy who, after waiting his entire life, would finally receive a double lung and heart transplant. While I rejoice for this family, my heart breaks for the other family who lost their little one today - A pain I pray that I never have to experience...

As I read, I shed many tears for this family. I then dropped to my knees praising God for my children, my alive and very healthy children. A reality that I so very often take for granted...

Today, my eyes were opened to just how incredibly blessed I am. God has given us Robert, Hannah, and Wesley to love and raise. To cherish and guide. To be there for with open arms, always and forever...

 

Fears

 In the very near future, we will be heading to Mississippi and I am terrified...

You see, Maura never traveled to Florida. It was never expected or anticipated for her to come. Therefor, not having her here or expecting to see her on a certain day kind of makes her death something I do not have to face. In a way, I can push it to the outer recesses of my mind and pretend that it did not happen...

However, traveling to MS, I WILL have to face this reality. I cannot pretend any longer. I must deal the emotions and feelings that I have suppressed for the past 3+ months. There will be no stopping at her residence to pick her up/visit her. There will be no watching my children interact with their aunt that is as childlike as they are. There will simply be no Maura...

There will be a visit to Lakewood Memorial Park to view her headstone and visit both Maura and John David's graves. There will be receiving my Maura Anne memory bear that has been created using some of her clothing and a Rosary made by an elderly Nun using the roses from her funeral.  There will be memories made and memories shared. At most, there will only be 7 of the 9 Gray-Lewis physically there at any given time...

Today, I was sharing these fears with my father. Speaking them out loud and not feeling (or being made to feel) crazy was so very nice. In fact, Papa told me that he had a hard time with the drive out here on Friday. But it is a fear that I cannot allow to control me...

Unfortunately, I feel like that is exactly what is happening - my fear of going home is consuming. I am able to push it aside during the day, but in those quiet moments, it takes over. At night, the fears associated with facing reality are horrifying. These fears are what make up my nightly nightmares...

Over the past few months, I knew at some point reality would slap me in the face. I knew that although my head knows that Maura is in Heaven, my heart still holds out hope that this is some bad joke. Even when I relive those 6 days we were in MS after her death - going to the funeral home, putting on her make-up, painting her nails, brushing her hair, her wake and funeral, her burial, etc - I still wonder...

This trip will be a maiden voyage. It will help my heart heal and understand the truth that she is indeed with John David in Heaven. It will let me know that I am stronger than I think and can make it home and deal with the multitude of emotions that will come with it. It will allow me some much needed time with my brothers and sisters and parents - and not because we are gathering for a funeral, but rather a joyous occasion - my sisters (Mollie and Clare) graduation from High School and Nursing School!

My prayer is that my fears are for nod and that the result will be healing...

"Have no fear of moving into the unknown Simply step out fearlessly knowing that I am with you, therefore no harm can befall you; all is very, very well. Do this in complete faith and confidence."

~Blessed Pope John Paul II

God's {Ever So Mysterious} Timing

God's timing is incredible and always works in mysterious ways!

Daddy is the president of our HomeOwners Association. Because of this, he has different signs made and keeps them here at the house. The majority of these signs are delivered by the wife of the owner of our management company (did you follow that?!)...

Friday, she dropped off a new 'Yard Of The Month' sign. Since she had no kiddos and mine were playing quietly (!)we took the opportunity to catch up and chat. At one point, she mentioned her sewing room and bells went off in my head and I ran to m room to gather my supplies....

Aunt Maura's Nightgown created be her niece and nephews

As some of you may know, I have been searching for nearly 2 months for someone to help me create a blanket of sorts using some of my Maura Annie and John David's materials - most importantly the nightgown my kiddos made and the blanket John David used. Everybody that I have asked, does not feel comfortable with such memorable items. There was one lady I called that wanted over $150 for a simple small blanket. Because of these constant road blocks, I pushed it back to the dark recesses of my mind thinking that if it were God's will, the perfect opportunity would arise...

I returned and laid all of my goodies out for her to seep. She looked at the stuff and immediately had the idea of a memory quilt - something I had never thought of! We chatted a bit more and she asked me to gather a few more things and then we are a go!

When she left, I sat in my closet and sobbed. What she is envisioning is far better than anything I could have ever thought of! It was the glimmer of light that I needed after a very difficult week! God is SO good and His timing is so perfect - always!

Memory Quilt Exmple

Later that evening, I emailed my parents about this. I wanted to let them know about the incredible kindness that is still being shown. Well, my mom wrote back that she also looked into one, but the lady in MS wanted to charge well over $1000! Because of that, mama pushed it out of her mind. But, when I saw this, my wheels got to turning!

Since I live so very far away, there is not much I can physically do to help my family, but THIS was something I COULD at least try to help with. I thought about asking mama's approval first, but then decided not to in case it was not able to happen...

So, I thought of different ways to get the word out as to what I was looking for and decided upon social media - a.k.a. FaceBook!

This is what I posted at 5:09pm...
My Dear MS Friends: my mama is wanting a memory quilt with some of Maura Annie's special things. Do any of you sew or know someone that would be willing to help her out in this endeavor? She found someone who could, but wanted over $1000 - no bueno! This gift would mean the absolute world to her, and the entire Gray-Lewis family as well...
By 5:14pm, I had my first offer. Then, at 5:16 came the second!

Papa and Miss Hudspeth 2012

I called mama and informed her that I had 2 people willing to make a quilt! She was speechless - which NEVER happens! It meant the world for me to be able to help with this, however little my part may be! Hearing my mother full of joy is so incredible and after all that she does for us, being able to help in some way with this special project makes me SO very happy!

Mama and Maura Annie loved to snuggle...

During this call though, she informed me that had I called just 30 minutes later, she would have nothing left of Maura Annie. She had all of her clothes packed and waiting by the door and she was going to drop them at GoodWill when she out later!

God's timing is always perfect!

GreifShare Emails To The Rescue...Again!

Grief can't be rushed - that was the titles of this morning's GriefShare e-mail, and, once again, it was exactly what my heart desired...

Grief Cannot Be Rushed
Day 21

Your journey through grief cannot be compared to another person's journey. You will grieve in your way and in your time. Grief does not have a set time limit. The only certainty is that it will take longer than you want it to.
"It's a process that cannot be rushed," says Dr. Robert Jeffress. "As a pastor who has dealt with hundreds and hundreds of people who have gone through a loss, I can tell you that it is a process, and it is a longer process than any of us want to believe.

"Going through grief is like going through a tunnel. The bad news is the tunnel is dark. The good news is that once you enter into that tunnel, you are already on your way out."

Your journey is your own, but you are not alone. Do not be afraid to cry out to God,

"How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?" (Psalm 13:2).

How long, Lord, how long? This tunnel is so dark. Show me Your light. Amen.
 

You see, yesterday morning, there was a change in plans, and I have found that a 'trigger' of mine since Maura's death is a sudden change in routine. I had a moment an hour where I felt like life was falling apart. Towards the end of my meltdown, I found the picture to the right <---- . It was as if, she was telling me to just chill out, and I did. Shortly after finding that picture, I recovered and was better than ever! The rest of the day was an absolute breeze, except for the question of when will this end. When will I not have to worry about having meltdowns at the slightest thing. When will I stop feeling like a toddler that doesn't get his way... Needless, today's reminder was absolutely what my heart needed, until today....

I realized this morning that yesterday was Tuesday - she died on Tuesday, January 29, 2013 @ 1:10 pm CST.  Yesterday was 5 weeks, and I never even realized it. Once I did today, I felt so guilty was devastated. I could not believe that I had forgotten. So today was a bad day, a very bad day. I had frequent meltdowns. I was snippy. I was plain and simple not happy. Even now as I write, I feel so angry - not with God or Maura, but with myself, for forgetting. I know many will think of that as a good thing, but in my head, at this given moment, it is unacceptable.  I feel as though I did something unthinkable. I feel like I let her down, and that hurts to the core...

As my day went from bad to worse, I went through my GriefShare emails to look for help, and I found it on Day 17...

 Denial
Day 17

Are you living in a bad dream? Is every step and every move you make automatic and devoid of emotion? Do you feel suspended in time and unable or unwilling to start up again?

Don't worry. You are experiencing a typical first reaction to grief—denial. Denial is a natural reaction to one of life's most painful events. Your body uses denial as a protective device, be it consciously or subconsciously, to avoid facing reality.

"The clock will mean nothing anymore," says Rev. John Coulombe. "Barely will the calendar. People won't know what day it is, yet their senses are more keenly aware than ever before. It's like a dream that is happening, and they can't get out of it. Everything is in slow motion. But this is normal; this is a response to death."
You must not feel guilty or anxious if you are experiencing denial; God offers you reassurance for this portion of the journey. You can say with confidence, "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you [God] are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me" (Psalm 23:4).

Oh, Lord God, I am numb in the valley of the shadow of death, but I know You are holding me steady, and You won't ever let me go. Amen

As always that one paragraph meant so very much to me. Much like the email I read upon awakening in tears, clutching the nightgown that was with her when she left this earth and entered the gates of Heaven. I want it to get easier. I want to feel like I am no longer "walking through the valley of the shadow of death" (Psalm 23). I want to really and truly feel happy again. I want life to be 'normal'...

But when you read the rest of Psalm 23:4 it says..." I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me."

Lord, help me to remember this verse in my most troubled times. Help me to remember that you and our Blessed Mother are always with me and all of those who grieve Maura Annie - ready to provide comfort and love, as long as I ask. Keep giving us these little reminders that she is home, safe and sound. In a place where she has no struggles. A place where she will never again experience pain or discomfort. A place where she will always have that huge smile on her face and her hand covering her mouth as she laughs....

Maura Annie, we love you so very, very much and words cannot express just how greatly we miss you. XOXO, Paul

The Little Things

Life has most definitely changed  - forever. And that change is slowly - VERY slowly - being accepted. This is not to say that I don't cry myself to sleep still or go anywhere without a pocket of tissues or have even looked at regular mascara, but slowly, I feel things becoming a new normal...

But even with this, there are unpredictable things that will set me into a tizzy - like finding a receipt from CVS, where we stopped as soon as we crossed into MS. That little piece of crumpled paper brought about mass amounts of tears...

The sweet text messages from my family this past Saturday, February 23, letting me know how Team Maura did in the Special Olympics 5K. That brought about a days worth of tears - even requiring me to hide in the bathroom for a bit during a birthday party...

Or today, getting an email about all of these beautiful pictures taken of Maura Annie for Rachael's "engagement Session." I had never seen them all, but lets just suffice it to say, my day has been ruined. They were beautiful. They captured her innocence and pure joy - a reminder to just how perfect she was...

While most days, I try to buy myself with the day to day of life, there are moments where the reality of never seeing her again on earth come full force. These moments always catch me by surprise. They are never expected or anticipated. They just come - as I assume life will from here on . Life's moments will just happen.

Like Granny said, "Lord I'll make the motions, you do the work."

GriefShare

I began to get these GriefShare emails 11days ago - they are absolutely incredible and always speak to my heart and gives me exactly what I need for that moment.

However, as I read this one, I thought it was perfect to share what it is like. Losing a sibling, a young sibling, is SO much different that losing a grandparent or someone that had been ill and death was expected. Those are hard and you still grieve, but this is different, on SO many levels.

I think that Day 11's GriefShare explains it perfectly.

Losing a Part of Yourself 

Day 11
The loss of a close family member creates extra depth and complexity to your grief. You shared a special and intimate connection with your loved one, and this relationship helped you define who you were. Losing this person has literally ripped you apart on the inside, leaving you unsure of your own identity.

Dr. Jim Conway, speaking of the death of his wife, says, "When Sally died, it was as if someone took a giant samurai sword and just cut me right down the middle. I kept asking myself and God, 'How am I supposed to go on with one leg, with one arm, with half a brain? How am I supposed to do all of this?"

There is hope for you. Your identity can be found again when you abide in the Lord Jesus Christ and place your faith in Him. This will not happen overnight, and the process may be very painful. But Jesus will certainly help you as you depend on Him.

"If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him" (1 John 4:15-16).

Lord Jesus, piece me back together again with Your unfailing love. Amen.

 

**If any of you reading this, have lost a loved one and need some support, some advice, these are great. They also an 11week program on how to cope and continue living, please check out the website. I tell you, ,it has brought me great comfort already and all I get are the daily emails - and they start with Day 1 the day after you sig up; so you are not starting it in the middle...**



Moments....

Lately, life has been okay - not great, but not terrible. We have resumed our normal schedule and made the most of each day, each moment. School was resumed last week and we have been at it with a vengeance. Our Tuesday and Thursday pre-school resumed this week, as well as my twice weekly tutoring sessions. But, even with this normalcy, the days are still so very hard.

Today, I was having a moment - I needed to get out of the house. I needed to get my thoughts off of my sister and back to my children. So, we packed some carrots and walked across the street to give the horses a treat. The kiddos loved feeding the horses and petting them, even marveling at the vast amount of spit produced with each carrot devoured! It was indeed a wonderful distraction for all of us!

I feel like I have finally found some coping methods for when these moments take hold - whether for minutes or hours. I have found some ways to feel close to her - I have have a pair of her pants and a sweatshirt (stolen one night in MS when I could not get warm) - that I will wear. Or I will grab the nightgown the kiddos made her and bury my face in it, muffling the sobs. (The husband knows when he sees either of these, that I am definitely in an about to break down, missing my sister mood and does exactly what I need - provide the comfort that I so desire)

Aforementioned pants and sweatshirt - we were all huddling together watching the Super Bowl - A bit of normalcy... 

I am trying so hard for these to just be moments and nothing more, but that is hard. It is so very easy to fall into that pit of despair, but I must always remember that I have 3 little people and a husband that rely on me. That need me. That need these seemingly never ending moments, to spread out and just become moments, not hours, not days.

I desperately want to enjoy every second of every day with my kiddos and husband. I want desperately to not be snippy or act grouchy. I want desperately for my smiles to be real and not forced. I want desperately to figure out this new normal. I want desperately to be accepting of it....

I will always miss Maura Annie. I will never stop grieving her loss, but I will also never have these precious moments with my children again. I will never have these moments with my husband again. Everyday that I am stuck in these moments, is a wasted day of memory making with my family - something that I am sure Miss Mischief would not approve of. However, to do this, I must figure out how to let go of the guilt that has such a hold...

Life Goes On...

 

This is a lesson that I am learning on a daily basis Although I feel like my world is imploding, nobody else knows or feels the same. Nobody knows what my heart is feeling. Nobody knows just how hard it was to silence the sobs during the communion reflection on Sunday. These are my secrets. My burdens.

Around me, the house still needs tending. The laundry needs washing. The dishes need cleaning. The children need a mommy. My husband still needs a wife. My life must go on.... 

I truly do not remember much from John David's death. I remember the sobs. I remember the depression. I remember nearly failing school - But I do not remember the hardcore grief. The raw emotions that are felt. The unknown of the day to day, moment to moment.

 But I do know that in time, all will be okay. I do know that 3 weeks does not even skim the surface of what I am feeling. I do know that He is carrying me my entire family, once again, through this earth shattering time. I do know that Maura is in Heaven, surrounded by the little brother she had never met, her grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins - all of those gone before. I do know that she will never EVER suffer another day. I do know that she is and will always be in my heart... but as much as I know this, it does not really, truly ease the pain...

When we arrived back to Jacksonville, I sent an email to a dear friend who has been through the process of grief many times over. Their advice was perfect.

"Keep living. You will have good days. You will have good moments. You will also have bad days and bad moments. But you cannot let those bad days and bad moments dictate your life. Yes, give into them. Cry. Be angry. Be upset. But once you feel like you are above it, say a prayer and go forward." 

“So be sure when you step, Step with care and great tact. And remember that life's A Great Balancing Act. And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and ¾ percent guaranteed) Kid, you'll move mountains.”   ~ Dr. Seuss (OH! The Places You'll Go!)

God's Timing

Thank God for friends who are there when you need them!

A group of my friends and I had been planning a Valentine's Day Celebration for about a month. Given the recent events and my desire to do absolutely nothing, I had no intention of going... until my girlfriends decided that they would come to my house and make sure that the four of us went - and boy am I glad that we did...

Once the decision was made, we needed to make Valentine's for all of our little friends. This year, we went super simple and the kiddos cut out and decorated hearts for all. Once we were done, we put everything in a pile on the table and planned on cleaning once we arrived back home...

The party was a blast (pictures to come!) and I am so glad that we had the distraction. The kiddos had a great time and it did my heart such good to hear my kiddos laughing and see them smile. They played with friends and made crafts. And when it was time to leave, I let out some intense emotions by cleaning the entire floor with baby wipes - it felt good!

When we came home, it was time to clean up all of our art supplies from earlier. Right before I put the last stack of papers in the HomeSchool closet, I came across this picture that Hannah had created over the MLK weekend, when Aunt Maura was first admitted to the infirmary for IV antibiotics...

Aunt Maura - Love Hannah - I hope you feel better soon.

Grief

It is amazing how much you can forget in 11 years... just like childbirth (or C-sections), if you remembered, it would never happen again, at least as much as you can control...

As the days go by, I remember more and more the grief that was felt after John David entered the Gates of Heaven on December 9, 2001. It amazes me how I forgot the intense pain. The heartache. The longing. The intense depression that followed...

When death catches you off guard, the grief is so much greater. Who expects to have a baby die? Who expects for their child to die after having gallbladder surgery - esp after that person was doing remarkably better? But you do expect a person who had been battling an illness to die...

The pain is real. It is debilitating at times. There are many times I want to just fall to the floor screaming like I did after I received that call 16 days ago. So much different from the pain I felt when my grandparents died - that was expected. A baby and a 21yo? Really?

I wish grief had a timeline.  A routine. Something that told you how to feel when and for how long, but that is far from the case. Grief changes day to day. Minute to minute...

I know that God knew when He created Maura, just like each of us, how many days we would be here. How many breaths we would take. My head knows that this was His plan and has been all along. It is my heart that wants to fight it. My heart that wants to argue with Him and fight until she is back here doing her crazy dances. Talking to us in the language only she understands. Holding onto her books...

I continue to search for the peace that she is with her baby brother, our Heavenly Father, and Blessed Mother. It is a peace that only they can provide...

One day, the tears will end. The grief will lessen. Life will feel normal. When that day comes, I will welcome it with open arms. I will embrace it and not let go...

Count Your Blessings

Count Your Blessings

*Author Unknown*

Count your blessings instead of your crosses;

Count your gains instead of your losses. 

Count your joys instead of your woes; 

Count your friends instead of your foes. 

Count your smiles instead of your tears; 

Count your courage instead of your fears. 

Count your full years instead of your lean; 

Count your kind deeds instead of your mean. 

Count your health instead of your wealth; 

Count on God instead of yourself.

I get daily e-mails geared towards homeschooling families. They are sent out by a Christian organization and always seem to contain exactly what I need for that day...

Today was no different. I found myself feeling guilty for having fun. For enjoying time with my family. I felt as if by having fun, I was forgetting Maura Anne...

These feelings are no different from the ones I had after John David died - the difference being, at the time, I had no husband or children. I was a Freshman in college, living in a dorm room by myself. My days were consumed with classes and tears. I fell into a depression. I lost all of my new found friends - life was hard...

This time, I feel the depression. It is hanging over my head like a dark cloud trying to get in, BUT, I cannot allow that to happen. I have to keep going. I cannot lie in bed and cover my head, forgetting about life. I am a wife. I am a mom. I must keep going...

Each day is a struggle. I am having to learn how to deal with grief in a healthy manner. I am having to find the balance in life. I am having to realize that it is okay to cry. It is okay to be happy. It is okay to have fun. After all, that is what Maura Anne would want - I know that everytime I begin to fall into that depression, which is quite frequently, she points her finger at me from Heaven above and says "No no no no no no no, Paul"

Maura Anne

This picture was taken of Miss Maura almost 1 week go - I have pictures of her now, but they bring me such sorrow and grief, that I keep them to me...

Maura Anne is in, yet another, fight for her life.  What began 2 weeks ago as a suspected stomach virus, has turned into ruptured, gangrenous, full of E. Coli gall bladder.

Initially, she was doing great, then her lungs began to fill with fluid and her vital signs became life threatening. When this began, she was transferred to SICU where she has been since.

Here is my FaceBook Post from tonight with specific prayer requests:

Yet another day full of ups and downs...

As of now, Maura is still fighting - She is better in some areas, the same in others, and still going downhill in a few.

Tomorrow is a day of many answers - good or bad. Because of this, I come to you with specific prayer requests:
1.) That the doctors attempt at placing a central line is successful. They tried tonight, but because of the Lasix for her lungs, she is "too dry." So, after an incision was made in her neck, the doctors were unable find a vein that is large enough.
2.)Tonight, she has no IV access, so any hydration has to occur orally. Please pray that she can wake up enough so that she can drink fluids and hydrate enough to help with the central line process that will be repeated in the morning.
3.) Pray for her lungs. They have been filling with fluid, which results in great breathing difficulty. Please pray that this fluid can clear before a pneumonia sets in.
4.) Pray for her heart, for its strength and stamina as it is under great stress.
5.) At some point tomorrow, after her central line placement, she will have a HIDA Scan to check her bile ducts because they are worried that they have torn, ruptured, etc. If this is the case, Maura will require another major surgery - opening up her current incision and going in. All of us fear greatly that if she returns to the OR, that she might not come out. Please, please pray that all of the bile ducts are sealed shut.

Thank you for your prayers thus far. They are certainly carrying my family through this incredibly difficult time. They are helping Maura Anne continue this fight for life... once again

 

Life Can Be Cruel

2 weeks ago, I had a positive pregnancy test because of an ovarian cyst. Today, I received formula samples in the mail. Yet, 22 months ago, I had a hysterectomy leaving me unable to ever again grow a child within...

When Robert and I married on November 1, 2003, we were open to all life that God provided us with. We were open. We were hopeful. We were happy. We both wanted "a houseful."

After Robert came at 36wks due to a placental abruption and velementous cord, we were scared. When Hannah was born at 35wks due to another placental abruption, we were terrified. The docs told us that I would never abrupt again, yet I did and it was worse than the one before. Then, I became pregnant with Wesley and was diagnosed with Factor V Leiden, MTHFR Mutation, and Protein S Deficiency. My abruptions made sense now and I was started on blood thinners for the entire pregnancy in hopes to avoid another abruption. When labor began at 32wks and failed to stop, I was again rushed to the OR for my third emergency c-section. This time, once inside, it was revealed that I was beginning to abrupt....again.

After this, we were told that another pregnancy would result in my life, the baby's life, or both. We were scared. We were terrified. Outsiders advised us to go beyond the confines of our Faith, but we stuck our guns and were open to God's will. And life happened as normal.

When Wesley turned 15months old, I had my first of many surgeries to avoid a hysterectomy. Sadly, each failed and in January of 2011, it was decided that there were no other options, a hysterectomy must occur. I was lost. We were both sad as we now knew our chances of having a bigger family would never happen. I sunk into a depression, while Robert remained my rock. I researched and journaled everyday leading up to the surgery. It was one of the lowest points that I can recall...

March 3, 2011 came and went. I woke in recovery sobbing that this piece of me, a piece of my feminity, was gone forever. But then I saw my children and realized that I am no less their mother. I looked at my husband and realized that I was no less his wife. I was no less the daughter, friend, confidant...

But, I was and forever will be without the part of me that allowed me to co-create new life with my husband and God. And these past 2 weeks has brought up all of those raw emotions that were pushed into the dark recesses of my head. The knowing that this will never happen again is so hard. I loved being pregnant, but I did not fully embrace it. Had I known that that last time, I would have done things differently, taken pictures, journaled more, etc etc...

It took losing my fertility to fully appreciate the true gift that it is, a statement that brings me great sadness...

Why is America Sad?

This picture is very poor quality, but I wanted to capture my sweet daughter...

Yesterday, we went to the library. On this day, the flag was at half staff because of the turmoil between the US Embassies in the Middle East. Once Hannah saw this, she began to sob - hysterical, can't breathe sobs. In between breaths, she would say somthing about America or the United States and sadness. Finally once she calmed enough to be coherent, she asked me why America was so sad? Why America had to cry? In as basic terms as possible for a five year old, I told her that bad things were happening to Americans everywhere.

She paused for a moment and then had one simple piece of advice: We should all be friends!

Welcome Back?!?!

It has been MONTHS since I did anything more than copy/paste onto here. The reasons for this are many and I would greatly appreciate your prayers that everything settles and that we can establish our new normal. I trust in God that all of this will occur, but in His time and not mine! I found this to be very true trying to make appointments - I am ready now, but apparently He wants me to wait until October! UGH!

So besides the need for prayers, life has been great. Both Lil Robert and Hannah finished up their final year with Seton Home School - Robert finishing 1st and Hannah Kindergarten. I said our final year with Seton because we found this past year to be quite difficult - Seton met our every need for Kindergarten, but with 1st Grade, we met struggle after struggle. None of these struggles inhibited our learning and I am still exceptionally proud of my children and all that they have learned, we just had great difficulty becoming motivated. Robert requires more than book work and that is what we were given with Seton. So after much prayer, discussion, discernment, and even considering 'traditional school,' we have decided upon Catholic Heritage Curricula. We are so very very excited about this. Unfortunately they are temporarily out of a vital part of the curriculum so we will not begin until the beginning of September. We are anxiously awaiting an email stating that we can go ahead and order!

Also exciting in Home School Land, we have joined a great weekly Co-Op and the older two will attend once monthly zoo classes for 3 hours. The Co-Op will be interesting as I will be there, but Lil Robert and Hannah will be in their own groups. Co-Op will be every Thursday from 9-3! It will be a long day, but I think it will be great for all of us. Also during this time, I will teach a pre-school class from 9:30-11. Wesley will be in this one, but there are 2 other pre-school classes that Wesley will attend...without me. Having never participated in a co-op, I have no idea what to expect, but this is a great opportunity for ALL of us! Thursdays will be so much fun - It will give Robert, Hannah, and Wesley time to be around friends and socialize. It will give them time to learn from someone other than mommy. It will be good on so many levels. As for the zoo classes - this will be significantly different from co-op in that I won't be there and Robert/Hannah will be in different age groups. I know this will be good for them and it will force them to branch out, but the mommy in me is nervous! All of these new adventures start at the beginning of September.

Aside from school, the kiddos are growing like weeds. There are so many firsts taking place so frequently - for the first time in 7 1/2 years, there is absolutely no need for diapers/wipes. We can go somewhere without a diaper bag. We don't even carry a change of clothes! Sippy cups and little kid snacks are being replaced by water bottles and emergency granola bars. Bottles are a thing of the past, although Wesley still tries so often to convince us that because he is 'Mommy's Baby' that he is an actual bottle toting, sling sitting baby! Both Robert and Hannah have excelled at riding 2 wheel bikes and swimming without floaties. Wesley is doing great on our friends strider balance bike and has no fear of the water. In fact, he is so confident in his non-swimming abilities, that he will jump straight into the water without floaties and show us how fast he can sink! Talk about great times! Also, they have all developed an absolute love for the beach! Robert loves to boogie board - Hannah loves to run away from the waves - Wesley just loves it all.... as long as he has on a life jacket!

In daddy news, he accepted a job promotion a few months ago. He is now Robert Riker, Mortgage Underwriter! He is just that much closer to his goals and dreams. The kiddos and I could not be more proud of him for accepting this job.

All in all, between the kiddos and husband, life is grand. We have had an incredible summer. We have made so many memories. We have enjoyed being a family of 5. Hopefully in the next few days, I will make it to the computer....not the kindle..... and add some pictures! I have every intention of updating the blog at least weekly and once we start the 2012-2013 school year, I hope to do a post every week about what Robert and Hannah have learned/are working on.

Once again, thank you for understanding my quasi sabbatical. I am praying that things are improving, but like everything in life, we take things one day at a time.....

20-year-old pro-life Crossroads walker hit by car and killed Friday morning | LifeSiteNews.com

A decade ago, I had the honor of participating in this. In fact, not only did I grow in my faith and learn so much about myself, I also met my soulmate and husband, Robert.....

I first heard about this tragedy as I was walking into the doctor Friday afternoon with 4 kiddos. My mind still cannot wrap around this tragedy....

A few things to be grateful for: 1. When you are on crossroads, you have NO option but to be spiritually sound. 2. He was praying the Rosary at the time of the incident. 3. He was discerning the priesthood. 4. He is now a martyr for the unborn - giving his life for those he so cares for.... maybe some scared mother read about him and cancelled her spot.....

May or loving and gracious God watch over and bless all of Andrew's family, team mates, and friends. May we all learn from his example and finish his mission for the unborn since he is no longer physically here to do so. May Andrew Moore be flying high with all of the angels and saints....

God bless you, Andrew.



20-year-old pro-life Crossroads walker hit by car and killed Friday morning | LifeSiteNews.com

A Night Away

Right now, I am in Mississippi while my husband and 3 kiddos are in FL. Since we said "I Do" in November of 03, I have NEVER been more than 30 minutes away from them - EVER.....

Yesterday as I boarded the airplane, my eyes filled with tears. I knew that I was coming to MS to see my family and that I would be so very busy making memories - spending time with all of my many siblings, parents, and grandparents, but I also knew that it would be different....

Everytime I see a kiddo around the age of Robert, Hannah, or Wesley, my heart jumps just a bit. Everytime I see my parents, grandparents, or older siblings with their spouse, I feel a tinge of jealousy. Who would have thought that just 24 hours could make me feel like this?

Last night, we went to dinner as a family - I loved every moment, but I longed to be sitting there with my spouse and my children instead of talking about them.......

Understand that I am LOVING this time away. I am loving the ability to sit and type and read without interruptions, but I so miss my family.........

Remembering those early days............

The first time I saw my son after he left the warmth of my womb..... a simple picture of him with tubes, wires, iv's, vent, etc etc....

48jours old - the first time I was able to see him with my very own eyes - no stroking! (If you look closely, you will see the safety pins holding his hands down)

After many long, daunting weeks, we are finally on our way home - 1 full pound lighter than he was at birth, BUT going home!

The ever so proud daddy!

Little Robert and Hannah greeting their brother for the FIRST time.....

Where did he go?!?!?!

An average size coffee cup - a not so average size baby head!

Aunt RaRa meets her Godson!

Grammie meets her grandson when she came to FL to help with one of my post-Wes surgeries.......

Father Norman Weslin

I was given the unique opportunity to spend 10wks with this incredible man during the summer of 2002.

That summer, my life changed in so many ways. I met the man I call my husband. I walked across the southeast proclaiming the beauty of life one step at a time. I was away from my family for the first time ever. I had recently been diagnosed with depression. My baby brother had been in Heaven only 5months. I made many incredible friendships. I grew in my faith. I met Fr. Norman Weslin........

A few hours ago, I received the phone call informing me of his death. At first I was in complete denial - this incredible man. A man who became my spiritual father. A man who would hear my confessions over and over. A man that would wipe my tears. A man who spoke with me in the middle of the night while I was scared and alone in the ICU that summer after my snake bite. A man who almost concelebrated our Nuptial Mass. A man who meant so much to me... could this man really, truly have left this world?

I know that he is now in Heaven rejoicing with our Heavenly Father. I know that he is holding his wife so closely as it has been just over 30yrs since she died. I know that he is no longer suffering. I know that he is able to look down and see all of the good that he did while on this earth. All of the babies he saved and life's he touched. I know that Heaven has just gained another Saint....


Father Weslin, words cannot express the gratitude I have in my heart for all that you did for me. I always loved hearing your name on the news. I loved hearing all that you did for the unborn. Father, I have wanted to give my children the opportunity to meet you. The opportunity to attend one of your Masses. Both my husband and I love you and miss you dearly. Thank you for all that you did for me during those 10wks...and beyond!
I pray that you are holding your wife close while you both dance the angels.
I rest assured knowing that you are in Heaven and able to hear my prayers and listen to me heart. Please know that my prayers are with you, Father....


Pro-Life champion Fr. Norman Weslin’s death is ‘Heaven’s gain,’ Fr. Pavone says | LifeSiteNews.com