Home...



At 0445 Eastern Time Tuesday morning, we backed out of our driveway and began the 600 mile journey to Mississippi. We woke the kiddos moments before leaving, had them potty, and brought them to the van with the high hope that they would fall back into a restful slumber until the sun made an appearance - how wrong we were! They never closed their eyes again until they laid their heads down in the camper that night, a mere 19hours after they woke! This set the tone for the remainder of the trip - late nights and early mornings! Suffice it to say that Mommy and Daddy are still playing catch up!

The reason for our pre-dawn departure was because Daddy was taking the kiddos to see the Mississippi Braves play the Jacksonville Suns at Trustmark Stadium while I attended the Baccalaureate Mass with my parents and siblings. While at the stadium waiting for the game to begin, Robert and Hannah were asked to be the Honorary Bat Boy and the Play Ball Girl! This meant that they were able to go on the field and do 'special things' prior to the games beginning! However, shortly after it began, Wesley decided to get sick, throwing up everywhere resulting in a rapid departure from the game - luckily he was fine!



Wednesday came and was a HUGE day. That morning, we took family pictures (not an easy feat when you are organizing the different schedules of 20 people - great job, Aunt LaLa!), followed by a celebratory lunch/dinner, a short rest period , and finally Mollie's Graduation - even Aunt Maura's pig and Aunt MooMoo's Maura bear attended! It was a crazy day, yet one full of SO many memories and good times!


Thursday came and we just had family time scheduled. We started out by visiting the cemetery and then heading over to get Mississippi Brave's hats for the kiddos. Once we were done with that, we headed to Grammie/Grampy's house to get some lunch and get ready to go swimming at Uncle Will's Daddy's house. We spent almost 4 hours swimming and having a great time! Grammie helped Hannah build her swimming confidence. Lil' Robert learned how to dive to the bottom - 9 feet deep! Wesley learned that when he jumps into the deep end without floaties, that he WILL sink to the bottom, and Mommy will jump in fully clothed - shoes, glasses, everything - to save him... and then we will both be inconsolable for the remainder of the pool time! Once we arrived back to the house, we learned that Grampy was in an accident on his way home from work - he was doing 77 on the interstate when a deer ran in front of him. He had no option but to hit it, which resulted in a good bit of damage to his car, but he was fine - All Praise Be to God! Once he arrived home and we saw that he was safe, Mommy and Daddy went on a date to Keifer's and Target while Grammie and Grampy watched our kiddos! It was another incredible, exhausting, memory filled day!

Friday, I woke up and took Grampy to the body shop so that he could begin the process of getting his car repaired. Once I returned to the house, we all got ready and went to the MS Children's Museum where we met with Mommy's good friend Mrs. Hailey and her kiddos, Hank and Gus. We had a great time spending the late morning/early afternoon with them! Once we went back to Grammie/Grampy's house, my other good friend, Ms. Jordan came by where I learned that she was engaged! We had a great talk and loved catching up on life. Once she left, Aunt RaRa and Uncle Bret came by and we enjoyed drinks and a fabulous dinner! Once dinner was done, Grammie took Hannah and Grampy took the boys out on an ice cream date while daddy and I worked on packing the van...

Robert's Farm just outside of Hattiesburg, Mississippi

Saturday morning, Grampy made us a big breakfast and we enjoyed spending our last bit of time together before leaving. Around 10am central time, we loaded into the van and began the 598mile, 12 hour drive home with a little something extra in the van with us...

This trip was hard. It was very emotionally draining - I did good keeping my brave smiley face on while around others, but in the privacy of the shower, I would lose it. Coming home is hard. Coming home is very hard. But, coming home is full of memories. It helps to strengthen relationships that have struggled. It helps me emotionally. Although hard, it is good to go home ....

Mother's Day 2013

Today was incredible! Today was exhausting. Today was a Mother's Day that I will forever remember...

Around 11:45 last night, my head finally hit the pillow. Prior to that a certain 8 year old could not fall asleep.  During his in and out of his bed, he woke a certain 6 year old who became too scared to lay down by herself. {Now, let me back up a bit and say that all 3 kiddos, for the past 3 months, have been sleeping in the same room. The boys in their beds with Hannah on a crib mattress under Robert's loft bed.} This resulted in Robert making his home in Hannah's horse bed while Hannah made a pallet on the floor...

After almost 30minutes of snuggling with Lil' Robert, he was finally asleep. As I tried to sneak out of the room, Hannah woke. I laid with her on the floor for nearly an hour and, of course, every. single. time. that I tried to leave, she would wake up, cry, and beg to snuggle longer. I would lay back down, only to repeat the scenario a few minutes later! OYE! Eventually, I gave her my Kindle and told her to read the horse books and I would return to snuggle in a bit...

This worked until 1:15 am when I was awoken by a finger poking me in the forehead! Once again, she woke and was scared. In came her blanket and pillow so that she could make a pallet next to me bed. Back to slumber land she went until 6am...

At some point after 3, Wesley came running and screaming into my room. He needed his mommy 'nuggles'! I pulled him in bed between daddy and I and we all fell back asleep!

As soon as the clock strikes 6am, Miss Hannah woke and needed food! I tried to convince her to lay down that it was not wake up time, but this did not go over well. Tears quickly followed and before I knew it, Lil' Robert, Hannah, Wesley, and I were wide awake and starting the day. Breakfast was served to the 3 kiddos and they were told to sit quietly and eat - Mommy wanted to lay down again!

This worked for a very little bit - maybe 5 minutes - until I was back out here breaking up another fight! So our day started out early and abruptly - but with PLENTY of Happy Mother Day's thrown between the arguments!

Just before 8, we woke daddy so that we could get ready for the nursery. As I was in the bathroom getting ready, daddy, Lil' Robert, Hannah, and Wesley presented me with a beautiful picture. (see top of post)

The rest of the day was spent at the nursery, watching as the police pulled over speeders in San Marco, taking (or attempting to take) naps, Mass (where daddy and I both received Holy Communion with Lil' Robert AND he received the Precious Blood for the first time ever!), and dinner with Grandma...

It was an absolutely fabulous day full of little things from my children at every turn. I truly think this might be the first year that they understood the value of today!

Gratitude...

Today was an incredible day. Every Mother's Day since 2005, I have been in complete awe at just how miraculous life really and truly is. Today, that hit home in a big way - a friend on Facebook asked for urgent prayers for a little 9 month old boy who, after waiting his entire life, would finally receive a double lung and heart transplant. While I rejoice for this family, my heart breaks for the other family who lost their little one today - A pain I pray that I never have to experience...

As I read, I shed many tears for this family. I then dropped to my knees praising God for my children, my alive and very healthy children. A reality that I so very often take for granted...

Today, my eyes were opened to just how incredibly blessed I am. God has given us Robert, Hannah, and Wesley to love and raise. To cherish and guide. To be there for with open arms, always and forever...

 

Fears

 In the very near future, we will be heading to Mississippi and I am terrified...

You see, Maura never traveled to Florida. It was never expected or anticipated for her to come. Therefor, not having her here or expecting to see her on a certain day kind of makes her death something I do not have to face. In a way, I can push it to the outer recesses of my mind and pretend that it did not happen...

However, traveling to MS, I WILL have to face this reality. I cannot pretend any longer. I must deal the emotions and feelings that I have suppressed for the past 3+ months. There will be no stopping at her residence to pick her up/visit her. There will be no watching my children interact with their aunt that is as childlike as they are. There will simply be no Maura...

There will be a visit to Lakewood Memorial Park to view her headstone and visit both Maura and John David's graves. There will be receiving my Maura Anne memory bear that has been created using some of her clothing and a Rosary made by an elderly Nun using the roses from her funeral.  There will be memories made and memories shared. At most, there will only be 7 of the 9 Gray-Lewis physically there at any given time...

Today, I was sharing these fears with my father. Speaking them out loud and not feeling (or being made to feel) crazy was so very nice. In fact, Papa told me that he had a hard time with the drive out here on Friday. But it is a fear that I cannot allow to control me...

Unfortunately, I feel like that is exactly what is happening - my fear of going home is consuming. I am able to push it aside during the day, but in those quiet moments, it takes over. At night, the fears associated with facing reality are horrifying. These fears are what make up my nightly nightmares...

Over the past few months, I knew at some point reality would slap me in the face. I knew that although my head knows that Maura is in Heaven, my heart still holds out hope that this is some bad joke. Even when I relive those 6 days we were in MS after her death - going to the funeral home, putting on her make-up, painting her nails, brushing her hair, her wake and funeral, her burial, etc - I still wonder...

This trip will be a maiden voyage. It will help my heart heal and understand the truth that she is indeed with John David in Heaven. It will let me know that I am stronger than I think and can make it home and deal with the multitude of emotions that will come with it. It will allow me some much needed time with my brothers and sisters and parents - and not because we are gathering for a funeral, but rather a joyous occasion - my sisters (Mollie and Clare) graduation from High School and Nursing School!

My prayer is that my fears are for nod and that the result will be healing...

"Have no fear of moving into the unknown Simply step out fearlessly knowing that I am with you, therefore no harm can befall you; all is very, very well. Do this in complete faith and confidence."

~Blessed Pope John Paul II

Musical Beds...

I went to bed at 11:00...

At 12:00, I woke to Daddy coming to bed...

At 12:42, I woke to a 4 year old crawling in bed with me. After he settled and realized he was not getting chocolate milk, I was able to fall back asleep...

At 1:54, I woke to my almost 6 year old trying to crawl in bed with me. It was quite the ordeal when I explained that she was not able to get into my bed because her brother was already in there. She finally gave in and made a pallet on the floor. Minutes later, the aforementioned 4 year old decided he wanted out of my bed and onto the pallet. When this decision was made the almost six year old began to sob because the 4 year old touched her covers. The situation was resolved and all fell asleep...

At 3:10, the 4 year old crawled back into bed with me. However, when he crawled into bed, he messed up the covers and this required me to crawl out of bed for a 3rd time in 4 hours. After a few minutes he settled and I was able to fall back into an exhausted slumber...

At 4:40, an almost 8 year old, came into my room. He looked at my bed, tried to crawl in. When he realized this would not work, an attitude kicked in that required Daddy's intervention. He finally settled on a pallet on Daddy's side of the bed...

At 6:25 all were up and ready for the day...

One day I will miss this; until then, I will remain exhausted and enjoy these fleeting moments of their childhood...

Joy Is...

Watching your kiddos play in the sprinklers on a warm *still* winter day...

 

 

 

Listening to your oldest talk about when he gets married to his CCD sweetheart...

Getting your nails done with your sweet daughter...

 

Snuggling with your 4yo baby as they drift off to dreamland...

Spending time with the love of your life...





Being surprised by your siblings and parents for your birthday...

Watching your kids do something they so enjoy...

 

This is what joy is!

Moments....

Lately, life has been okay - not great, but not terrible. We have resumed our normal schedule and made the most of each day, each moment. School was resumed last week and we have been at it with a vengeance. Our Tuesday and Thursday pre-school resumed this week, as well as my twice weekly tutoring sessions. But, even with this normalcy, the days are still so very hard.

Today, I was having a moment - I needed to get out of the house. I needed to get my thoughts off of my sister and back to my children. So, we packed some carrots and walked across the street to give the horses a treat. The kiddos loved feeding the horses and petting them, even marveling at the vast amount of spit produced with each carrot devoured! It was indeed a wonderful distraction for all of us!

I feel like I have finally found some coping methods for when these moments take hold - whether for minutes or hours. I have found some ways to feel close to her - I have have a pair of her pants and a sweatshirt (stolen one night in MS when I could not get warm) - that I will wear. Or I will grab the nightgown the kiddos made her and bury my face in it, muffling the sobs. (The husband knows when he sees either of these, that I am definitely in an about to break down, missing my sister mood and does exactly what I need - provide the comfort that I so desire)

Aforementioned pants and sweatshirt - we were all huddling together watching the Super Bowl - A bit of normalcy... 

I am trying so hard for these to just be moments and nothing more, but that is hard. It is so very easy to fall into that pit of despair, but I must always remember that I have 3 little people and a husband that rely on me. That need me. That need these seemingly never ending moments, to spread out and just become moments, not hours, not days.

I desperately want to enjoy every second of every day with my kiddos and husband. I want desperately to not be snippy or act grouchy. I want desperately for my smiles to be real and not forced. I want desperately to figure out this new normal. I want desperately to be accepting of it....

I will always miss Maura Annie. I will never stop grieving her loss, but I will also never have these precious moments with my children again. I will never have these moments with my husband again. Everyday that I am stuck in these moments, is a wasted day of memory making with my family - something that I am sure Miss Mischief would not approve of. However, to do this, I must figure out how to let go of the guilt that has such a hold...

Life Goes On...

 

This is a lesson that I am learning on a daily basis Although I feel like my world is imploding, nobody else knows or feels the same. Nobody knows what my heart is feeling. Nobody knows just how hard it was to silence the sobs during the communion reflection on Sunday. These are my secrets. My burdens.

Around me, the house still needs tending. The laundry needs washing. The dishes need cleaning. The children need a mommy. My husband still needs a wife. My life must go on.... 

I truly do not remember much from John David's death. I remember the sobs. I remember the depression. I remember nearly failing school - But I do not remember the hardcore grief. The raw emotions that are felt. The unknown of the day to day, moment to moment.

 But I do know that in time, all will be okay. I do know that 3 weeks does not even skim the surface of what I am feeling. I do know that He is carrying me my entire family, once again, through this earth shattering time. I do know that Maura is in Heaven, surrounded by the little brother she had never met, her grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins - all of those gone before. I do know that she will never EVER suffer another day. I do know that she is and will always be in my heart... but as much as I know this, it does not really, truly ease the pain...

When we arrived back to Jacksonville, I sent an email to a dear friend who has been through the process of grief many times over. Their advice was perfect.

"Keep living. You will have good days. You will have good moments. You will also have bad days and bad moments. But you cannot let those bad days and bad moments dictate your life. Yes, give into them. Cry. Be angry. Be upset. But once you feel like you are above it, say a prayer and go forward." 

“So be sure when you step, Step with care and great tact. And remember that life's A Great Balancing Act. And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and ¾ percent guaranteed) Kid, you'll move mountains.”   ~ Dr. Seuss (OH! The Places You'll Go!)