Maura's Memory Bear

 

11 years ago, after the death of our brand new baby brother John David, we were introduced to DD's Memory Bears. She used her incredible talents to create not 1, but 2 bears using the hospital gown that Mama wore... {I am not able to upload a picture to this post, but if you click on 'bears' and 'hospital gown', you will see the gown and then one of the two bears...}

 With Maura's death, we all knew that Maura Memory Bear's were a must. After Rachael, Clare, Aunt Mary, and I cleared our her room and brought home all of her clothes, the search began for memory bear materials. After they were chosen, we placed our items in a ziploc bag with our name so that they could all be shipped together. Honestly, that time was such an incredible blur, that I had forgotten what I had chosen!

Finally, 10weeks, 8 bears, and 1 pillow later we have our Maura Anne Memory Bears! They were all shipped to Mama and Papa's house, which as much as I want mine N.O.W., I think it will be more beneficial to get her surrounded by my parents and siblings...

Without further ado, here is my memory bear...

The main fabric was a long sleeve cotton shirt and the colorful fabric was a zippered jacket that she picked out all on her own! Maura Anne had a love for color and patterns that was all her own! I ADORE the hood/bonnet that was created!

Fears

 In the very near future, we will be heading to Mississippi and I am terrified...

You see, Maura never traveled to Florida. It was never expected or anticipated for her to come. Therefor, not having her here or expecting to see her on a certain day kind of makes her death something I do not have to face. In a way, I can push it to the outer recesses of my mind and pretend that it did not happen...

However, traveling to MS, I WILL have to face this reality. I cannot pretend any longer. I must deal the emotions and feelings that I have suppressed for the past 3+ months. There will be no stopping at her residence to pick her up/visit her. There will be no watching my children interact with their aunt that is as childlike as they are. There will simply be no Maura...

There will be a visit to Lakewood Memorial Park to view her headstone and visit both Maura and John David's graves. There will be receiving my Maura Anne memory bear that has been created using some of her clothing and a Rosary made by an elderly Nun using the roses from her funeral.  There will be memories made and memories shared. At most, there will only be 7 of the 9 Gray-Lewis physically there at any given time...

Today, I was sharing these fears with my father. Speaking them out loud and not feeling (or being made to feel) crazy was so very nice. In fact, Papa told me that he had a hard time with the drive out here on Friday. But it is a fear that I cannot allow to control me...

Unfortunately, I feel like that is exactly what is happening - my fear of going home is consuming. I am able to push it aside during the day, but in those quiet moments, it takes over. At night, the fears associated with facing reality are horrifying. These fears are what make up my nightly nightmares...

Over the past few months, I knew at some point reality would slap me in the face. I knew that although my head knows that Maura is in Heaven, my heart still holds out hope that this is some bad joke. Even when I relive those 6 days we were in MS after her death - going to the funeral home, putting on her make-up, painting her nails, brushing her hair, her wake and funeral, her burial, etc - I still wonder...

This trip will be a maiden voyage. It will help my heart heal and understand the truth that she is indeed with John David in Heaven. It will let me know that I am stronger than I think and can make it home and deal with the multitude of emotions that will come with it. It will allow me some much needed time with my brothers and sisters and parents - and not because we are gathering for a funeral, but rather a joyous occasion - my sisters (Mollie and Clare) graduation from High School and Nursing School!

My prayer is that my fears are for nod and that the result will be healing...

"Have no fear of moving into the unknown Simply step out fearlessly knowing that I am with you, therefore no harm can befall you; all is very, very well. Do this in complete faith and confidence."

~Blessed Pope John Paul II

GreifShare Emails To The Rescue...Again!

Grief can't be rushed - that was the titles of this morning's GriefShare e-mail, and, once again, it was exactly what my heart desired...

Grief Cannot Be Rushed
Day 21

Your journey through grief cannot be compared to another person's journey. You will grieve in your way and in your time. Grief does not have a set time limit. The only certainty is that it will take longer than you want it to.
"It's a process that cannot be rushed," says Dr. Robert Jeffress. "As a pastor who has dealt with hundreds and hundreds of people who have gone through a loss, I can tell you that it is a process, and it is a longer process than any of us want to believe.

"Going through grief is like going through a tunnel. The bad news is the tunnel is dark. The good news is that once you enter into that tunnel, you are already on your way out."

Your journey is your own, but you are not alone. Do not be afraid to cry out to God,

"How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?" (Psalm 13:2).

How long, Lord, how long? This tunnel is so dark. Show me Your light. Amen.
 

You see, yesterday morning, there was a change in plans, and I have found that a 'trigger' of mine since Maura's death is a sudden change in routine. I had a moment an hour where I felt like life was falling apart. Towards the end of my meltdown, I found the picture to the right <---- . It was as if, she was telling me to just chill out, and I did. Shortly after finding that picture, I recovered and was better than ever! The rest of the day was an absolute breeze, except for the question of when will this end. When will I not have to worry about having meltdowns at the slightest thing. When will I stop feeling like a toddler that doesn't get his way... Needless, today's reminder was absolutely what my heart needed, until today....

I realized this morning that yesterday was Tuesday - she died on Tuesday, January 29, 2013 @ 1:10 pm CST.  Yesterday was 5 weeks, and I never even realized it. Once I did today, I felt so guilty was devastated. I could not believe that I had forgotten. So today was a bad day, a very bad day. I had frequent meltdowns. I was snippy. I was plain and simple not happy. Even now as I write, I feel so angry - not with God or Maura, but with myself, for forgetting. I know many will think of that as a good thing, but in my head, at this given moment, it is unacceptable.  I feel as though I did something unthinkable. I feel like I let her down, and that hurts to the core...

As my day went from bad to worse, I went through my GriefShare emails to look for help, and I found it on Day 17...

 Denial
Day 17

Are you living in a bad dream? Is every step and every move you make automatic and devoid of emotion? Do you feel suspended in time and unable or unwilling to start up again?

Don't worry. You are experiencing a typical first reaction to grief—denial. Denial is a natural reaction to one of life's most painful events. Your body uses denial as a protective device, be it consciously or subconsciously, to avoid facing reality.

"The clock will mean nothing anymore," says Rev. John Coulombe. "Barely will the calendar. People won't know what day it is, yet their senses are more keenly aware than ever before. It's like a dream that is happening, and they can't get out of it. Everything is in slow motion. But this is normal; this is a response to death."
You must not feel guilty or anxious if you are experiencing denial; God offers you reassurance for this portion of the journey. You can say with confidence, "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you [God] are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me" (Psalm 23:4).

Oh, Lord God, I am numb in the valley of the shadow of death, but I know You are holding me steady, and You won't ever let me go. Amen

As always that one paragraph meant so very much to me. Much like the email I read upon awakening in tears, clutching the nightgown that was with her when she left this earth and entered the gates of Heaven. I want it to get easier. I want to feel like I am no longer "walking through the valley of the shadow of death" (Psalm 23). I want to really and truly feel happy again. I want life to be 'normal'...

But when you read the rest of Psalm 23:4 it says..." I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me."

Lord, help me to remember this verse in my most troubled times. Help me to remember that you and our Blessed Mother are always with me and all of those who grieve Maura Annie - ready to provide comfort and love, as long as I ask. Keep giving us these little reminders that she is home, safe and sound. In a place where she has no struggles. A place where she will never again experience pain or discomfort. A place where she will always have that huge smile on her face and her hand covering her mouth as she laughs....

Maura Annie, we love you so very, very much and words cannot express just how greatly we miss you. XOXO, Paul

Out of the mouth of babes...

Tonight at Mass, as I was walking back from Communion, my eyes fell upon a little boy with Down Syndrome. He was so joyful - dancing down the isle, back to his pew, while his big sister tried to subdue him... much like we always did with Maura...

As they sat and I continued to my pew, I could not take my eyes off of him. His smile. His short chubby fingers. His eyes. It all reminded me of our precious little red head. At one point, the sister noticed my staring and I just grinned, waved, and quickly turned my head to hide the tears pouring from my eyes...

As I turned around, Hannah and Wesley noticed my tears, even though I tried desperately to hide it from them! Hannah went into my purse and gave me tissues and the squeezed me and kissed me. Wesley squeezed my neck and played with my hair. I was so grateful for these two sensitive, caring, and nurturing children I had at this very moment. The love they showed was beyond anything I have ever experienced from these two...

Slowly, they released their holds as my tears slowed. They each gave me one last kiss - Hannah went back to her singing and prayers and Wesley did something that still shocks me...

He looked at me and whispered "I make you stop crying, Mommy." What his plans were, I had no idea, but was anxious to see what this brand new 4 year old was about to do...

Wesley looked at me, took my glasses off and cleaned them. He them took my tissues and ever so gently, wiped my eyes. After this came the most incredible and heartfelt gesture he has done - he kissed each eye and then ever so carefully put my glasses back on...

Once he finished, he once again whispered "See, I kiss them so you no cry anymore. They all better now, Mommy." He stopped for a minute and appeared to look in the direction of the little guy with Down.Syndrome. Wesley then looked at me, leaned forward and said, "Mommy, Aunt Maura is okay in Heaven..."

Wesley To The Rescue!

On Wednesday nights, Daddy will take Lil' Robert to CCD while Wesley and sometimes Hannah stay behind with just mommy. Tonight, Wesley wanted to be just with mommy, so Hannah went to CCD.

Once they left, we played a game of 'policeman' where you (ssshhh...don't tell daddy) run around the house screaming FREEZE and 'shooting' each other with the cork guns! We had an absolute blast with this - at one point, Wesley cornered me outside. It was quite the game!

Then, we had dessert - this was an ordeal because Mr. Man could not decide on ANYTHING. He would open one thing and then after a bite, decide it wasn't for him. Finally, he was given one last thing and off to Mommy and Daddy's bed we went - me with my diet coke, and Wesley with his Hot Hot Cocoa Milk!

My sweet, not such a baby, baby were enjoying our snuggles. He was watching cartoons, while I did some work on the computer - organizing my inbox and creating a folder (before caving) all of my Maura Annie pictures. At some point, I pressed a button, and in that instant, all of the pictures went away. I was devastated. The sobs began. At first they were quiet but before long, I could no longer control it...

Once Wesley heard my sobs he looked at me, with his gorgeous, innocent, loving eyes and said, "It's otay mommy, I take care of you." He then crawled out of the bed and out of sight. I remained at the computer sobbing, trying desperately to find these precious pictures with no luck. Before I knew it, he was back with a handful of tissues!

My sweetheart crawled into bed and just squeezed me, saying over and over, "I yove you, Mommy!" The sobs settled and after a prayer to St. Anthony, the pictures were found, sorted, and saved!

The Little Things

Life has most definitely changed  - forever. And that change is slowly - VERY slowly - being accepted. This is not to say that I don't cry myself to sleep still or go anywhere without a pocket of tissues or have even looked at regular mascara, but slowly, I feel things becoming a new normal...

But even with this, there are unpredictable things that will set me into a tizzy - like finding a receipt from CVS, where we stopped as soon as we crossed into MS. That little piece of crumpled paper brought about mass amounts of tears...

The sweet text messages from my family this past Saturday, February 23, letting me know how Team Maura did in the Special Olympics 5K. That brought about a days worth of tears - even requiring me to hide in the bathroom for a bit during a birthday party...

Or today, getting an email about all of these beautiful pictures taken of Maura Annie for Rachael's "engagement Session." I had never seen them all, but lets just suffice it to say, my day has been ruined. They were beautiful. They captured her innocence and pure joy - a reminder to just how perfect she was...

While most days, I try to buy myself with the day to day of life, there are moments where the reality of never seeing her again on earth come full force. These moments always catch me by surprise. They are never expected or anticipated. They just come - as I assume life will from here on . Life's moments will just happen.

Like Granny said, "Lord I'll make the motions, you do the work."

GriefShare

I began to get these GriefShare emails 11days ago - they are absolutely incredible and always speak to my heart and gives me exactly what I need for that moment.

However, as I read this one, I thought it was perfect to share what it is like. Losing a sibling, a young sibling, is SO much different that losing a grandparent or someone that had been ill and death was expected. Those are hard and you still grieve, but this is different, on SO many levels.

I think that Day 11's GriefShare explains it perfectly.

Losing a Part of Yourself 

Day 11
The loss of a close family member creates extra depth and complexity to your grief. You shared a special and intimate connection with your loved one, and this relationship helped you define who you were. Losing this person has literally ripped you apart on the inside, leaving you unsure of your own identity.

Dr. Jim Conway, speaking of the death of his wife, says, "When Sally died, it was as if someone took a giant samurai sword and just cut me right down the middle. I kept asking myself and God, 'How am I supposed to go on with one leg, with one arm, with half a brain? How am I supposed to do all of this?"

There is hope for you. Your identity can be found again when you abide in the Lord Jesus Christ and place your faith in Him. This will not happen overnight, and the process may be very painful. But Jesus will certainly help you as you depend on Him.

"If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him" (1 John 4:15-16).

Lord Jesus, piece me back together again with Your unfailing love. Amen.

 

**If any of you reading this, have lost a loved one and need some support, some advice, these are great. They also an 11week program on how to cope and continue living, please check out the website. I tell you, ,it has brought me great comfort already and all I get are the daily emails - and they start with Day 1 the day after you sig up; so you are not starting it in the middle...**



Moments....

Lately, life has been okay - not great, but not terrible. We have resumed our normal schedule and made the most of each day, each moment. School was resumed last week and we have been at it with a vengeance. Our Tuesday and Thursday pre-school resumed this week, as well as my twice weekly tutoring sessions. But, even with this normalcy, the days are still so very hard.

Today, I was having a moment - I needed to get out of the house. I needed to get my thoughts off of my sister and back to my children. So, we packed some carrots and walked across the street to give the horses a treat. The kiddos loved feeding the horses and petting them, even marveling at the vast amount of spit produced with each carrot devoured! It was indeed a wonderful distraction for all of us!

I feel like I have finally found some coping methods for when these moments take hold - whether for minutes or hours. I have found some ways to feel close to her - I have have a pair of her pants and a sweatshirt (stolen one night in MS when I could not get warm) - that I will wear. Or I will grab the nightgown the kiddos made her and bury my face in it, muffling the sobs. (The husband knows when he sees either of these, that I am definitely in an about to break down, missing my sister mood and does exactly what I need - provide the comfort that I so desire)

Aforementioned pants and sweatshirt - we were all huddling together watching the Super Bowl - A bit of normalcy... 

I am trying so hard for these to just be moments and nothing more, but that is hard. It is so very easy to fall into that pit of despair, but I must always remember that I have 3 little people and a husband that rely on me. That need me. That need these seemingly never ending moments, to spread out and just become moments, not hours, not days.

I desperately want to enjoy every second of every day with my kiddos and husband. I want desperately to not be snippy or act grouchy. I want desperately for my smiles to be real and not forced. I want desperately to figure out this new normal. I want desperately to be accepting of it....

I will always miss Maura Annie. I will never stop grieving her loss, but I will also never have these precious moments with my children again. I will never have these moments with my husband again. Everyday that I am stuck in these moments, is a wasted day of memory making with my family - something that I am sure Miss Mischief would not approve of. However, to do this, I must figure out how to let go of the guilt that has such a hold...

Life Goes On...

 

This is a lesson that I am learning on a daily basis Although I feel like my world is imploding, nobody else knows or feels the same. Nobody knows what my heart is feeling. Nobody knows just how hard it was to silence the sobs during the communion reflection on Sunday. These are my secrets. My burdens.

Around me, the house still needs tending. The laundry needs washing. The dishes need cleaning. The children need a mommy. My husband still needs a wife. My life must go on.... 

I truly do not remember much from John David's death. I remember the sobs. I remember the depression. I remember nearly failing school - But I do not remember the hardcore grief. The raw emotions that are felt. The unknown of the day to day, moment to moment.

 But I do know that in time, all will be okay. I do know that 3 weeks does not even skim the surface of what I am feeling. I do know that He is carrying me my entire family, once again, through this earth shattering time. I do know that Maura is in Heaven, surrounded by the little brother she had never met, her grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins - all of those gone before. I do know that she will never EVER suffer another day. I do know that she is and will always be in my heart... but as much as I know this, it does not really, truly ease the pain...

When we arrived back to Jacksonville, I sent an email to a dear friend who has been through the process of grief many times over. Their advice was perfect.

"Keep living. You will have good days. You will have good moments. You will also have bad days and bad moments. But you cannot let those bad days and bad moments dictate your life. Yes, give into them. Cry. Be angry. Be upset. But once you feel like you are above it, say a prayer and go forward." 

“So be sure when you step, Step with care and great tact. And remember that life's A Great Balancing Act. And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and ¾ percent guaranteed) Kid, you'll move mountains.”   ~ Dr. Seuss (OH! The Places You'll Go!)

Grief

It is amazing how much you can forget in 11 years... just like childbirth (or C-sections), if you remembered, it would never happen again, at least as much as you can control...

As the days go by, I remember more and more the grief that was felt after John David entered the Gates of Heaven on December 9, 2001. It amazes me how I forgot the intense pain. The heartache. The longing. The intense depression that followed...

When death catches you off guard, the grief is so much greater. Who expects to have a baby die? Who expects for their child to die after having gallbladder surgery - esp after that person was doing remarkably better? But you do expect a person who had been battling an illness to die...

The pain is real. It is debilitating at times. There are many times I want to just fall to the floor screaming like I did after I received that call 16 days ago. So much different from the pain I felt when my grandparents died - that was expected. A baby and a 21yo? Really?

I wish grief had a timeline.  A routine. Something that told you how to feel when and for how long, but that is far from the case. Grief changes day to day. Minute to minute...

I know that God knew when He created Maura, just like each of us, how many days we would be here. How many breaths we would take. My head knows that this was His plan and has been all along. It is my heart that wants to fight it. My heart that wants to argue with Him and fight until she is back here doing her crazy dances. Talking to us in the language only she understands. Holding onto her books...

I continue to search for the peace that she is with her baby brother, our Heavenly Father, and Blessed Mother. It is a peace that only they can provide...

One day, the tears will end. The grief will lessen. Life will feel normal. When that day comes, I will welcome it with open arms. I will embrace it and not let go...

Count Your Blessings

Count Your Blessings

*Author Unknown*

Count your blessings instead of your crosses;

Count your gains instead of your losses. 

Count your joys instead of your woes; 

Count your friends instead of your foes. 

Count your smiles instead of your tears; 

Count your courage instead of your fears. 

Count your full years instead of your lean; 

Count your kind deeds instead of your mean. 

Count your health instead of your wealth; 

Count on God instead of yourself.

I get daily e-mails geared towards homeschooling families. They are sent out by a Christian organization and always seem to contain exactly what I need for that day...

Today was no different. I found myself feeling guilty for having fun. For enjoying time with my family. I felt as if by having fun, I was forgetting Maura Anne...

These feelings are no different from the ones I had after John David died - the difference being, at the time, I had no husband or children. I was a Freshman in college, living in a dorm room by myself. My days were consumed with classes and tears. I fell into a depression. I lost all of my new found friends - life was hard...

This time, I feel the depression. It is hanging over my head like a dark cloud trying to get in, BUT, I cannot allow that to happen. I have to keep going. I cannot lie in bed and cover my head, forgetting about life. I am a wife. I am a mom. I must keep going...

Each day is a struggle. I am having to learn how to deal with grief in a healthy manner. I am having to find the balance in life. I am having to realize that it is okay to cry. It is okay to be happy. It is okay to have fun. After all, that is what Maura Anne would want - I know that everytime I begin to fall into that depression, which is quite frequently, she points her finger at me from Heaven above and says "No no no no no no no, Paul"

Honoring Maura Anne

Maura LOVED her St. Richard Catholic School uniform, but she was not allowed to wear it anywhere but at home. So, without fail, every single time she came home, she would sign for her uniform and start stripping as soon as they pulled into the driveway. It was her favorite. It made her happy. Every single picture of her at home, she is wearing it. In fact, we decided to bury her in it. I am sure she laughed from Heaven above when that was decided!

Anyhow, a dear friend, Mikey Flood, knew this. He knew how much she loved it. He knew just how special it was to us at this sorrowful time and decided to do something a little outside of the box...

The night after Maura went to be with our Heavenly Father, Mikey came over. He pulled some of us aside and asked if it would be rude, painful, hurtful, etc to wear a uniform to the funeral. Of course we loved the idea - so much that we all laughed so very hard that we began to cry.

As Saturday drew near, we were all looking forward to see what he had come up with, but nothing could have prepared us for what he came up with...

Mikey, thank you so much for helping us to honor Maura. Your shirt, along with all of the effort and time you put into it, means more to my family than words can ever express. Your love for Maura and all of us means so very, very much. Thank you!

Our Final Farewell

Friday, February 1, 2013 began the process of giving Maura Anne her final farewell...

At 5:30pm, the hearse arrived at my childhood home carrying my sister in the back. All of the brothers and papa met them in the driveway and carried the casket inside where she spent the night in the living room. That night we had close friends and family over We ate dinner. Had drinks. Prayed a rosary. Cried. Laughed. Shared memories.

After everyone left, it was just us - Mama and Papa, Maura, and all of the siblings. We all spent one final night together in the house. We stayed up into the wee morning hours remembering the hard days of Maura's beginning. Her times of sickness and health. The unique antics of Maura. Her 'books.' Her bag. Her unique language. Her dancing. Her laughter. Her smile.

Sleep was not easily come by that night and before long, it was time to prepare for Maura's Funeral Mass and Visitation on Saturday, February 2, 2013. The funeral home arrived at 7:45 to pick her up. We sobbed as they drove away with her - her last time to leave the house... ever. After that, it was time to prepare for her funeral and get to St. Richard's Catholic Church...

We all began to arrive at 8:45 and there was a crowd waiting on us. Within 20 minutes there was a line of people all the way up the center aisle and out the front door of the church - all to pay their respects to Maura Anne - this little 21 year old girl with Down Syndrome. All of us were shocked at how many people there were and just how far some had traveled - the Priest estimated that over 400 people were in the Church that day, more than his typical Sunday Mass...

Her Funeral Mass was like no other. There was plenty of laughter. There were tears. There was absolutely NO black, only bright colors and 1 homemade St. Richard's School uniform made by a dear family friend as he knew that was Maura's absolutely favorite thing to wear when she came home. There was a beautiful testimony to life during the communion reflection done by mama. After the final blessing, ring pops were passed out to all who wanted them. All of the brothers and Papa, Uncle and Grandpa, nephews and friends, wore bow ties in bright colors and patterns as Maura was always in awe of them. Words cannot express just how comforting and healing it was for all of us. The outpouring of love was incredible...

 As I sit here writing my memories, 3 days later, the shock at just how incredible her funeral was is still present. I do not think that, as long as I live that I will forget or lose sight of that. So many loved her. So many cherished her. So many were touched by her simplicity. Her selflessness. Her just being her.

Thank you, Lord, for the gift of Maura Anne. She made us stop and appreciate the little things. She made us slow down and live life one moment at a time. She showed us the power of a smile and a laugh. She taught us so much. For that we thank you for entrusting her with us....

Sts. Maura and John David, Pray for us.

No Black Allowed - Only Brights and Bow Ties

At Maura's Funeral it was decided that there would be no black - only bright colors. And all of the guys we could get in touch with, we asked to wear bright bow ties - even my little bits had handmade ones created by a dear friend Haley Nejam!

Maura's Obituary

Maura Anne Gray-Lewis

Jackson

Maura Anna Gray-Lewis, 21, died Tuesday, January 29, 2013. A Mass of Christian Burial will be celebrated at 10:00 a.m. Saturday at St. Richard Catholic Church with burial following in Lakewood Memorial Park South. Visitation will begin at 9:00 a.m. Saturday at the church.

"Choose the Love You Chose" Poor Clares, Belleville, IL.

It is with reluctant but confident hearts that we offer back to the Father and His beloved Mother, our daughter Maura Anne. Maura was entrusted to us for 21 years and we have attempted to lover her fully. She in turn has loved us completely. Our faith teaches that the gift of life and love often comes in a "fragile earthen vessel" and such was the case with this precious red head.

Maura, now dance with you brother with the music as loud as Heaven will permit. Wait for us impatiently, we are en route.

Love, Mama, Papa, Ra- Ra, Sissy, LaLa, Paul, Jojo, Moo Moo, Michael and those wonderful "in loves."

Love gifts to Hudspeth Center, Pearl or to St. Richard Catholic Church.

Published in Clarion Ledger on February 1, 2013

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Many of you know, Maura Anne Gray-Lewis went to be with our Heavenly Father, Blessed Mother, her little brother, and all that went before her 1 week ago today - She was 21yrs, 5mths, and 16 days old...

Moments before, I spoke to her on the phone. The kids spoke to her on the phone. She was laughing. Talking. Snorting. Blowing raspberries. Dancing. The Maura that we had not seen in weeks was back....

All of our prayer requests from the night prior were answered. There was talk of moving her to a floor. She was doing better - much, much better. So much so, that I just posted this on facebook:

Miracles are happening as we speak! *Maura's drains have slowed, allowing the docs to cancel her HIDA Scan and order an ultrasound!
*A central line was placed last night, but the goal is to put in another PICC Line today!
* When my siblings went up to the SICU for visiting hours, they were shocked to hear the nurse and Miss Maura 'fighting'!
* She is more alert and pulling off leads and her cannula!
* She is talking and dancing and doing her classic pig snort!
Now, this is all positive, but Maura is like no other, so keep the prayers coming. There are also still areas of great concern, as well as some test results that are very troublesome...
Today, we are cautiously optimistic and so very hopeful that she has turned the corner ~ All Praise to God!

I posted this in the Target parking lot. We then began the drive home. My phone rang and and it was my sister in law. Then it rang and it was Papa. I did not answer, so he called again. I was driving across an overpass when I answered. His words will haunt me forever. How I made it across that overpass and into the median, I will never know. We, the kids and I, sat in the van and sobbed. A FHP came over and moved the van farther away from the highway for me.

We made it home, packed bags, spoke to Father Amar (our parish priest), mom, and my sister in law came over. They helped load the van and we left.....  

Father Norman Weslin

I was given the unique opportunity to spend 10wks with this incredible man during the summer of 2002.

That summer, my life changed in so many ways. I met the man I call my husband. I walked across the southeast proclaiming the beauty of life one step at a time. I was away from my family for the first time ever. I had recently been diagnosed with depression. My baby brother had been in Heaven only 5months. I made many incredible friendships. I grew in my faith. I met Fr. Norman Weslin........

A few hours ago, I received the phone call informing me of his death. At first I was in complete denial - this incredible man. A man who became my spiritual father. A man who would hear my confessions over and over. A man that would wipe my tears. A man who spoke with me in the middle of the night while I was scared and alone in the ICU that summer after my snake bite. A man who almost concelebrated our Nuptial Mass. A man who meant so much to me... could this man really, truly have left this world?

I know that he is now in Heaven rejoicing with our Heavenly Father. I know that he is holding his wife so closely as it has been just over 30yrs since she died. I know that he is no longer suffering. I know that he is able to look down and see all of the good that he did while on this earth. All of the babies he saved and life's he touched. I know that Heaven has just gained another Saint....


Father Weslin, words cannot express the gratitude I have in my heart for all that you did for me. I always loved hearing your name on the news. I loved hearing all that you did for the unborn. Father, I have wanted to give my children the opportunity to meet you. The opportunity to attend one of your Masses. Both my husband and I love you and miss you dearly. Thank you for all that you did for me during those 10wks...and beyond!
I pray that you are holding your wife close while you both dance the angels.
I rest assured knowing that you are in Heaven and able to hear my prayers and listen to me heart. Please know that my prayers are with you, Father....


Pro-Life champion Fr. Norman Weslin’s death is ‘Heaven’s gain,’ Fr. Pavone says | LifeSiteNews.com

John David

10 years ago today, my sweet baby brother, John David, entered into the arms of Our Loving Father. My mother was just 31 weeks pregnant with my 8th sibling when she went into labor and 'knew' that this would be it. She left the house to go to the hospital with my father, telling us that they would call us when they got settled so that we could all be there for the birth. As the hours ticked by, we knew that something was not right. It had never taken them this long to get settled and every time we called, they were coming up with excuse after excuse to keep us away. 

Finally, we all loaded into the van and went up there. As soon as we entered the room, things were not right - the lights were dim, mama had no monitors on, and my mother, that had naturally delivered 6 of her 7 prior children, had an epidural. . . Before we had a chance to ask questions, Papa had us gather around the bed and hold hands. As he wept he told us that the baby died. Our baby brother had died. . . All of us fell to the ground weeping. Screaming out in grief. We were prepared to be meeting this little one today, not saying farewell forever. . . Rachael, Michael, and I all continued to cry until we had to leave. We had to get away. We could not stay there. . . 

We all went our separate ways and returned to the hospital just in time to see our precious brother make his entrance into this world. The rest of the day is a blur. We held him and rocked him. We bathed him and clothed him. We blessed him and celebrated his 31 weeks with us. We counted his fingers and cut his hair. We loved him - oh did we love his little 3lbs 13oz body, his long fingers and huge feet. His thick black hair. John David was perfect - absolutely perfect. . . 

It is so hard to believe that this was 10 years ago - so much has happened since then, but amazingly, life has continued. My family has continued to move on, even though John David is very much a part of our life. There is an entire sofa table at home dedicated to him. There are pictures everywhere. His beautiful homemade outfit is hanging up in the entryway with all of the bonnets. There is a painting of the 3 brothers. There are reminders all over of this precious baby that entered into Heaven before any of us were ready. . . 

I hope that my family knows that I am holding all of you extra close in prayer today. I love you all. 

Saint John David, pray for us.

More Prayers Please. . .

Many of you know of the precious little girl that is apart of our daytime family. In a way, her family has become part of ours and they were struck with great tragedy this week. On Wednesday, her Uncle, Deputy Bryan Sleeper, suffered a heart attack and died shortly after arresting a drunk driver. He was only 39 years old and leaves behind a wife, step children, and a grandchild.

Aahliya and her parents are leaving tomorrow to join her mother and other family members as they prepare to say a final farewell to their son/brother. Please hold all of them close in prayer as they endure these next few days and weeks.

Much like the Chinnault family who lost their husband and father, I can not imagine the pain. All I can offer is my most sincere and heartfelt prayers.

Grant unto us, Almighty God, in all time of sore distress,
the comfort of the forgiveness of our sins.
In time of darkness give us blessed hope,
in time of sickness of body give us quiet courage;
and when the heart is bowed down, and the soul is very heavy,
and life is a burden, and pleasure a weariness,
and the sun is too bright, and life too mirthful,
then may that Spirit, the Spirit of the Comforter, come upon us,
and after our darkness may there be the clear shining of the heavenly light;
that so, being uplifted again by Thy mercy,
we may pass on through this our mortal life
with quiet courage, patient hope, and unshaken trust,
hoping through Thy loving-kindness and tender mercy
to be delivered from death into the large life of the eternal years.
Hear us of Thy mercy, through Jesus Christ our Lord - Amen.

Family

I just posted this to my other blog, but I wanted to put it here as well. . .
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With the events of the past two days - the death of young man and the birth of a precious baby girl - I have been overcome with emotions. I have been joyous of for this family that has longed for this precious one for SO long and I have grieved deeply for this young family who just lost their husband/father. With this, I have been selfishly thinking about my family. My feelings about the way that life is right now. . .

After the kiddos went to bed last night, Robert and I sat on the couch. We were watching TV and reading - just passing the time, and I asked him a question that has been eating at me for a while - but especially these past few days. I asked:

ARE YOU CONTENT WITH OUR FAMILY?

As soon as I asked it, I knew what his answer would be - Hands down, yes. He then turned it around and asked me if I was content with our family. My answer - Hands down, no. Now it is not discontentment in that I am ungrateful, rather it is not what I expected. I cherish *almost* each and every moment with my children. I am absolutely in awe of my family, but I greatly miss that feeling of growing a baby within. The feeling of bringing forth new life. The feeling of knowing that you are responsible for this incredible creation. This masterpiece made by God. 

I asked my mother today if, after John David's birth and death nearly 10 years ago, if she was content with the family she had or if she longed for more. Is it a mother thing? Or is it an I want what I can't have thing? Or a combination of it all? I do not know. But I do know that I desperately want that fulfillment. That feeling of being finished. Of being complete.

**Please understand that by stating this, I am not saying that I am ungrateful in any way. There are just times that I feel like there is a puzzle piece missing. I truly believe that this is because I always imagined my life differently and also because I KNOW that possibility of carrying another child within is gone. One day, if God so desires for us to adopt we will. But for now, until both Robert and I, IF Robert and I, decide that it is time and HE agrees with that, we will just enjoy our time as a family of 5. Again, I am NOT being ungrateful. I KNOW just how lucky we are to have children and I am beyond grateful that God saw fit for us to be parents and to care for His child.**