You see, Maura never traveled to Florida. It was never expected or anticipated for her to come. Therefor, not having her here or expecting to see her on a certain day kind of makes her death something I do not have to face. In a way, I can push it to the outer recesses of my mind and pretend that it did not happen...
However, traveling to MS, I WILL have to face this reality. I cannot pretend any longer. I must deal the emotions and feelings that I have suppressed for the past 3+ months. There will be no stopping at her residence to pick her up/visit her. There will be no watching my children interact with their aunt that is as childlike as they are. There will simply be no Maura...
There will be a visit to Lakewood Memorial Park to view her headstone and visit both Maura and John David's graves. There will be receiving my Maura Anne memory bear that has been created using some of her clothing and a Rosary made by an elderly Nun using the roses from her funeral. There will be memories made and memories shared. At most, there will only be 7 of the 9 Gray-Lewis physically there at any given time...
Today, I was sharing these fears with my father. Speaking them out loud and not feeling (or being made to feel) crazy was so very nice. In fact, Papa told me that he had a hard time with the drive out here on Friday. But it is a fear that I cannot allow to control me...
Unfortunately, I feel like that is exactly what is happening - my fear of going home is consuming. I am able to push it aside during the day, but in those quiet moments, it takes over. At night, the fears associated with facing reality are horrifying. These fears are what make up my nightly nightmares...
Over the past few months, I knew at some point reality would slap me in the face. I knew that although my head knows that Maura is in Heaven, my heart still holds out hope that this is some bad joke. Even when I relive those 6 days we were in MS after her death - going to the funeral home, putting on her make-up, painting her nails, brushing her hair, her wake and funeral, her burial, etc - I still wonder...
This trip will be a maiden voyage. It will help my heart heal and understand the truth that she is indeed with John David in Heaven. It will let me know that I am stronger than I think and can make it home and deal with the multitude of emotions that will come with it. It will allow me some much needed time with my brothers and sisters and parents - and not because we are gathering for a funeral, but rather a joyous occasion - my sisters (Mollie and Clare) graduation from High School and Nursing School!
My prayer is that my fears are for nod and that the result will be healing...
"Have no fear of moving into the unknown Simply step out fearlessly knowing that I am with you, therefore no harm can befall you; all is very, very well. Do this in complete faith and confidence."
~Blessed Pope John Paul II
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