Life Goes On...

 

This is a lesson that I am learning on a daily basis Although I feel like my world is imploding, nobody else knows or feels the same. Nobody knows what my heart is feeling. Nobody knows just how hard it was to silence the sobs during the communion reflection on Sunday. These are my secrets. My burdens.

Around me, the house still needs tending. The laundry needs washing. The dishes need cleaning. The children need a mommy. My husband still needs a wife. My life must go on.... 

I truly do not remember much from John David's death. I remember the sobs. I remember the depression. I remember nearly failing school - But I do not remember the hardcore grief. The raw emotions that are felt. The unknown of the day to day, moment to moment.

 But I do know that in time, all will be okay. I do know that 3 weeks does not even skim the surface of what I am feeling. I do know that He is carrying me my entire family, once again, through this earth shattering time. I do know that Maura is in Heaven, surrounded by the little brother she had never met, her grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins - all of those gone before. I do know that she will never EVER suffer another day. I do know that she is and will always be in my heart... but as much as I know this, it does not really, truly ease the pain...

When we arrived back to Jacksonville, I sent an email to a dear friend who has been through the process of grief many times over. Their advice was perfect.

"Keep living. You will have good days. You will have good moments. You will also have bad days and bad moments. But you cannot let those bad days and bad moments dictate your life. Yes, give into them. Cry. Be angry. Be upset. But once you feel like you are above it, say a prayer and go forward." 

“So be sure when you step, Step with care and great tact. And remember that life's A Great Balancing Act. And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and ¾ percent guaranteed) Kid, you'll move mountains.”   ~ Dr. Seuss (OH! The Places You'll Go!)