Shower Spelling

After a good bit of trial and error, I finally found something that the kiddos enjoy for practicing spelling words...

I bought 4 packages of foam letters and put them in a bucket. I then had each kiddo put on a swim suit and hop - with not knowing why - in the shower -->

Once in there, I informed them of the rules:  I will call out a word and whoever 'writes' the word correctly first wins. If there is fighting or screaming, you must sit out for 2 words. The first to get 10 words, in a row, correct, wins! What they win is up to the initiator of the game... ME!

 Even Wesley had fun trying to figure out how to spell words... He was quite good at finding 'W', 'A', and a few others!

Each kiddo had a great time and really practiced new words. I enjoyed every second of hearing their laughs and giggles - especially since they had NO idea that they were learning new information... in their little minds, they were just playing and having fun!

 

Wesley To The Rescue!

On Wednesday nights, Daddy will take Lil' Robert to CCD while Wesley and sometimes Hannah stay behind with just mommy. Tonight, Wesley wanted to be just with mommy, so Hannah went to CCD.

Once they left, we played a game of 'policeman' where you (ssshhh...don't tell daddy) run around the house screaming FREEZE and 'shooting' each other with the cork guns! We had an absolute blast with this - at one point, Wesley cornered me outside. It was quite the game!

Then, we had dessert - this was an ordeal because Mr. Man could not decide on ANYTHING. He would open one thing and then after a bite, decide it wasn't for him. Finally, he was given one last thing and off to Mommy and Daddy's bed we went - me with my diet coke, and Wesley with his Hot Hot Cocoa Milk!

My sweet, not such a baby, baby were enjoying our snuggles. He was watching cartoons, while I did some work on the computer - organizing my inbox and creating a folder (before caving) all of my Maura Annie pictures. At some point, I pressed a button, and in that instant, all of the pictures went away. I was devastated. The sobs began. At first they were quiet but before long, I could no longer control it...

Once Wesley heard my sobs he looked at me, with his gorgeous, innocent, loving eyes and said, "It's otay mommy, I take care of you." He then crawled out of the bed and out of sight. I remained at the computer sobbing, trying desperately to find these precious pictures with no luck. Before I knew it, he was back with a handful of tissues!

My sweetheart crawled into bed and just squeezed me, saying over and over, "I yove you, Mommy!" The sobs settled and after a prayer to St. Anthony, the pictures were found, sorted, and saved!

The Little Things

Life has most definitely changed  - forever. And that change is slowly - VERY slowly - being accepted. This is not to say that I don't cry myself to sleep still or go anywhere without a pocket of tissues or have even looked at regular mascara, but slowly, I feel things becoming a new normal...

But even with this, there are unpredictable things that will set me into a tizzy - like finding a receipt from CVS, where we stopped as soon as we crossed into MS. That little piece of crumpled paper brought about mass amounts of tears...

The sweet text messages from my family this past Saturday, February 23, letting me know how Team Maura did in the Special Olympics 5K. That brought about a days worth of tears - even requiring me to hide in the bathroom for a bit during a birthday party...

Or today, getting an email about all of these beautiful pictures taken of Maura Annie for Rachael's "engagement Session." I had never seen them all, but lets just suffice it to say, my day has been ruined. They were beautiful. They captured her innocence and pure joy - a reminder to just how perfect she was...

While most days, I try to buy myself with the day to day of life, there are moments where the reality of never seeing her again on earth come full force. These moments always catch me by surprise. They are never expected or anticipated. They just come - as I assume life will from here on . Life's moments will just happen.

Like Granny said, "Lord I'll make the motions, you do the work."

GriefShare

I began to get these GriefShare emails 11days ago - they are absolutely incredible and always speak to my heart and gives me exactly what I need for that moment.

However, as I read this one, I thought it was perfect to share what it is like. Losing a sibling, a young sibling, is SO much different that losing a grandparent or someone that had been ill and death was expected. Those are hard and you still grieve, but this is different, on SO many levels.

I think that Day 11's GriefShare explains it perfectly.

Losing a Part of Yourself 

Day 11
The loss of a close family member creates extra depth and complexity to your grief. You shared a special and intimate connection with your loved one, and this relationship helped you define who you were. Losing this person has literally ripped you apart on the inside, leaving you unsure of your own identity.

Dr. Jim Conway, speaking of the death of his wife, says, "When Sally died, it was as if someone took a giant samurai sword and just cut me right down the middle. I kept asking myself and God, 'How am I supposed to go on with one leg, with one arm, with half a brain? How am I supposed to do all of this?"

There is hope for you. Your identity can be found again when you abide in the Lord Jesus Christ and place your faith in Him. This will not happen overnight, and the process may be very painful. But Jesus will certainly help you as you depend on Him.

"If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him" (1 John 4:15-16).

Lord Jesus, piece me back together again with Your unfailing love. Amen.

 

**If any of you reading this, have lost a loved one and need some support, some advice, these are great. They also an 11week program on how to cope and continue living, please check out the website. I tell you, ,it has brought me great comfort already and all I get are the daily emails - and they start with Day 1 the day after you sig up; so you are not starting it in the middle...**



To The Salon We Go...

Yesterday, Hannah and I decided to go t the salon to get our nails done. My gel polish from Maura Annie's funeral was looking a bit decrepit, so it was time to go - I was not prepared for it to be a bit tender and received many a look from those around as my Precious Hannah sat with her head in my lap, hugging me and then providing the necessary distraction! What a gift she is!

At first, I had to soak off my prior gel polish - Hannah could NOT stop laughing at this... for obvious reasons! Miss Hannah was acting SO silly and kept asking me to do things she knew were impossible to do with aluminum foil wrapped fingers. Great fun was had during this phase of the manicure!

After the soak off, It was time for the fun part - picking out a color! I have never been one for color, but since Maura died, I have found that it is one thing that makes me feel close to her. Hannah on the other hand, has ALWAYS gotten color - she loves it, and bright colors at that! At the salon, there was a plethora of bright pinks, purples, greens, blues, and so on. But, Miss Thang settled on a color called "Where is the lizard?" It is one of those colors that changes colors in the light when you tilt it - so there is gold, green, some blue, etc, etc. Hannah helped choose mine, and I was not sure if I wanted to go with another 'Maura Color' or something light and subtle. I went back and forth many times and finally settled on neither a super bright color, nor a very light one - you decide what color it is!

If Hannah stops biting her nails, she will get free color from now until they take back the incentive! She is MOTIVATED!!!!

We had such a great time. We were at the salon for almost 2 hours (most of the time waiting), but it felt so good to have a special outing with my one and only daughter!

"A daughter is a little girl who grows up to be your friend."

Hannah, mommy LOVED spending time with you on our special outing today. Thank you for being the best daughter anyone could ask for. Your heart is so big and you are always thinking of everyone before yourself. I thank God every single day for allowing you to be my daughter. I love you so very, very much.
XOXOXO, ♥ Mommy ♥   

Ps. Skinamarinkadink, Skinamarinkado, I love you! ♥

 

Moments....

Lately, life has been okay - not great, but not terrible. We have resumed our normal schedule and made the most of each day, each moment. School was resumed last week and we have been at it with a vengeance. Our Tuesday and Thursday pre-school resumed this week, as well as my twice weekly tutoring sessions. But, even with this normalcy, the days are still so very hard.

Today, I was having a moment - I needed to get out of the house. I needed to get my thoughts off of my sister and back to my children. So, we packed some carrots and walked across the street to give the horses a treat. The kiddos loved feeding the horses and petting them, even marveling at the vast amount of spit produced with each carrot devoured! It was indeed a wonderful distraction for all of us!

I feel like I have finally found some coping methods for when these moments take hold - whether for minutes or hours. I have found some ways to feel close to her - I have have a pair of her pants and a sweatshirt (stolen one night in MS when I could not get warm) - that I will wear. Or I will grab the nightgown the kiddos made her and bury my face in it, muffling the sobs. (The husband knows when he sees either of these, that I am definitely in an about to break down, missing my sister mood and does exactly what I need - provide the comfort that I so desire)

Aforementioned pants and sweatshirt - we were all huddling together watching the Super Bowl - A bit of normalcy... 

I am trying so hard for these to just be moments and nothing more, but that is hard. It is so very easy to fall into that pit of despair, but I must always remember that I have 3 little people and a husband that rely on me. That need me. That need these seemingly never ending moments, to spread out and just become moments, not hours, not days.

I desperately want to enjoy every second of every day with my kiddos and husband. I want desperately to not be snippy or act grouchy. I want desperately for my smiles to be real and not forced. I want desperately to figure out this new normal. I want desperately to be accepting of it....

I will always miss Maura Annie. I will never stop grieving her loss, but I will also never have these precious moments with my children again. I will never have these moments with my husband again. Everyday that I am stuck in these moments, is a wasted day of memory making with my family - something that I am sure Miss Mischief would not approve of. However, to do this, I must figure out how to let go of the guilt that has such a hold...

Team Maura

Team Maura Shirts! They are on sale for $10!

Special Olympics walk is this Saturday Feb. 23rd, 2013! Everyone come out and support Maura Gray-Lewis and her family!! We will all be wearing our Team Maura shirts! Registration begins at 7a.m. at Reunion Subdivision in Madison on the Reunion Beach. 

For questions call 601-942-2094 and ask for Mary Ford.

I hope you can all make it out to support my family and help remember Maura Annie! 

Normalcy

I think tonight was the best, the most relaxed, the most family centered night with just the five of us since Maura entered Heaven, three weeks ago...

Disclaimer: You are about to read almost every minute of our evening from 6:15 until 8:40 - Don't say I did not warn you...

I came home from a doctor's appointment around 6:15 and daddy had all of the children sitting at the table while he was finishing up their plates. While they were eating, I worked on straightening the kitchen, refilling milks, and reminding them that if they want dessert, they MUST clear their plates! After dinner, the kiddos headed to the bath while daddy cleaned up from dinner. The kiddos were cleaned and then had some playtime while I folded (confession time) a weeks worth of laundry and vacuumed the floors. Once that was complete, daddy joined us in the bathroom where we read a chapter of The Boxcar Children series that we are working on. We did not quite make a chapter, but that will come into play later! Bath ended and the kiddos lotioned and got into pajamas. Robert and Hannah helped fold towels and then put their laundry away while Wesley and I put toys away, loaded the dishwasher, and started a load of laundry. Once everything was done, and I was satisfied, dessert was served! Daddy stole Wesley's piece of *stale* Valentine's day cake, so he got an even bigger one and the older two chose ice cream. Once they were finished, we all settled on the couch with daddy where the older two each read a page out of the book to us - a routine that we are trying to build to increase those reading skills! What a treat that was - not having to read! Of course, when we announced it was bedtime, Wesley began to complain and had to "read" his own page! Then hugs and kisses were dispensed and off to bed 3 little ones went, smiling as they remembered the incredibleness of the night!

As I walked behind them for the nightly tuck ins, I could not stop the tears as they freely flowed down my cheeks. What an incredible gift tonight was after such an incredibly hard, emotionally draining day that so many do not understand. That so many think I should be over and move on.

Which I am grateful is not. We are a family of nine children very close brothers and sisters. We are each others best friends - and worst enemies. We share secrets that our spouses might not even know. We have been together through thick and thin. Now with two pieces of that puzzle missing, it will take time to find our new normal. This new normal will not be easy to come by, but between the seven of us, mama and papa, our spouses, and children, we will figure it out...in time.

I know that tonight is a gift from Maura Annie. A gift telling me that all will be fine - a gift that I will gladly accept as she allows. The pain will ease and the acceptance will come, but it will all happen in its own time...

Until then, she is in Heaven reigning over her kingdom, trying to let us see just how happy she is. Trying to turn our tears into smiles and laughs. Trying to show us that normal will happen again.

Life Goes On...

 

This is a lesson that I am learning on a daily basis Although I feel like my world is imploding, nobody else knows or feels the same. Nobody knows what my heart is feeling. Nobody knows just how hard it was to silence the sobs during the communion reflection on Sunday. These are my secrets. My burdens.

Around me, the house still needs tending. The laundry needs washing. The dishes need cleaning. The children need a mommy. My husband still needs a wife. My life must go on.... 

I truly do not remember much from John David's death. I remember the sobs. I remember the depression. I remember nearly failing school - But I do not remember the hardcore grief. The raw emotions that are felt. The unknown of the day to day, moment to moment.

 But I do know that in time, all will be okay. I do know that 3 weeks does not even skim the surface of what I am feeling. I do know that He is carrying me my entire family, once again, through this earth shattering time. I do know that Maura is in Heaven, surrounded by the little brother she had never met, her grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins - all of those gone before. I do know that she will never EVER suffer another day. I do know that she is and will always be in my heart... but as much as I know this, it does not really, truly ease the pain...

When we arrived back to Jacksonville, I sent an email to a dear friend who has been through the process of grief many times over. Their advice was perfect.

"Keep living. You will have good days. You will have good moments. You will also have bad days and bad moments. But you cannot let those bad days and bad moments dictate your life. Yes, give into them. Cry. Be angry. Be upset. But once you feel like you are above it, say a prayer and go forward." 

“So be sure when you step, Step with care and great tact. And remember that life's A Great Balancing Act. And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and ¾ percent guaranteed) Kid, you'll move mountains.”   ~ Dr. Seuss (OH! The Places You'll Go!)

Marriage 101

God's Timing

Thank God for friends who are there when you need them!

A group of my friends and I had been planning a Valentine's Day Celebration for about a month. Given the recent events and my desire to do absolutely nothing, I had no intention of going... until my girlfriends decided that they would come to my house and make sure that the four of us went - and boy am I glad that we did...

Once the decision was made, we needed to make Valentine's for all of our little friends. This year, we went super simple and the kiddos cut out and decorated hearts for all. Once we were done, we put everything in a pile on the table and planned on cleaning once we arrived back home...

The party was a blast (pictures to come!) and I am so glad that we had the distraction. The kiddos had a great time and it did my heart such good to hear my kiddos laughing and see them smile. They played with friends and made crafts. And when it was time to leave, I let out some intense emotions by cleaning the entire floor with baby wipes - it felt good!

When we came home, it was time to clean up all of our art supplies from earlier. Right before I put the last stack of papers in the HomeSchool closet, I came across this picture that Hannah had created over the MLK weekend, when Aunt Maura was first admitted to the infirmary for IV antibiotics...

Aunt Maura - Love Hannah - I hope you feel better soon.

The Ear

After snuggling for 2 1/2hrs tonight, Wesley finally passed out... rubbing my ear!

Mississippi Children's Museum

The day before we bid farewell to Aunt Maura in the most incredible funeral - EVER - daddy decided to give the kiddos a break from the stress at Grammie and Grampy's house and take them to MS Children's Museum. It just so happened that my sister from New Orleans came to MS and brought her youngest, Alyssa, who my kiddos had never met! Brave daddy, with the help of our good friend Sharla, headed off with all 4 kiddos....