Yes, I could get things done right now instead of writing (and being distracted by the kiddos on the slip and slide!), but honestly, the desire is not there. I want to go home. I want to see my family. I want to have the reassurance that just because our trip home 4 months ago was hard, that the others will not be. I want the reassurance that my parents and siblings are happy and healthy. I need this trip, but like I have mentioned before, I am terrified...
In a few short days, I will drive through small town in Mississippi. The same small town that we would stop in on our way to/from Jackson to see Maura Anne. This was Maura's home for almost a decade. She loved it, we loved it. She was so happy here. As we drive through the town there will be a McDonalds on the right hand side. This McDonalds has a playground. On this playground, I said farewell to Maura as we moved away from Mississippi. On this playground, Maura held her nephew, Lil' Robert so tenderly and lovingly; showering him with kisses and too tight squeezes. It was here that she met her niece, Hannah, for the first time. Sadly, when Wesley made his entrance, our trips home lessened and they were short and busy. We traveled at night and did not stop. I carry great guilt for this...
Later on in our stay, we will take a trip to the cemetery to visit and place flowers at both Maura and John David's gravesites. We will say our prayers and shed our tears. The reality that this is where now not only one, but two of my siblings reside (I know their soul is in Heaven....) is scary. Last time I was there, I was on autopilot. I was making the motions and doing what I was told. This time, it will be by choice. There will be no autopilot. I will be me, Mary Pauline, making the decision to go...
I know there will be great joy and celebration on this trip - Mollie is graduating High School, Clare is graduating Nursing School, Will is entering his 3rd year of med school, JoJo is graduating 8th grade, Michael's upcoming Germany trip, Rachael/Bret's 3rd anniversary, professional family pictures, etc etc. However, I cannot move beyond my selfish fears. They keep me up at night and fill my little sleep with nightmares. They have me on edge and procrastinating during the day...
Even with all of my fears, I am confident of 2 things - 1.) That this trip will be a huge success, even if nobody has matching clothes or must wear the same outfit the entire time because I did not pack appropriately! and 2.) Once I am surrounded by my brothers and sisters and Mama and Papa, that all of my fears will be forgotten...
It will be a good, reassuring, trip home...
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