Why?

Lately it seems that I am surrounded by people who are having difficulty conceiving, some without any reason whatsoever. I had reasons. Between my cystic ovaries, stage IV endometriosis, and adenomyosis, I had EVERY reason to NOT get pregnant, yet I did. Then on top of that, I had huge reasons to not carry babies as long as I did. I will always remember the phone call from the Maternal Fetal Specialist during Wesley's pregnancy telling me to come in NOW because my labs were back and were not good. I will never forget the hematologist telling me that the combo of the Factor V Leiden, MTHFR Mutation, and Protein S Deficiency were a 1:1,000,000. With that combo, all of my pregnancies SHOULD have ended in miscarriage.... Why was I given this gift, yet so many others, with no reason, are not?

Then there is our true miracle baby Robert. When he was born, it was discovered that there was a velementous cord and I was in the process of a class 0 abruption. In other words, had I had 1 mild contraction, he would have died. In pregnancies with a velementous cord, babies are delivered at 35/36 weeks, regardless of lung maturity, in order to prevent stillbirth. I was in the very beginnings of labor - He should not be here, yet he is. So, why was my baby spared, yet my friends baby was not just 3 weeks prior for absolutely no reason?

With Hannah, I had a class 2/3 abruption.... My baby brother died from an abruption just 5 years, 3 months, and 13 days prior..... Why was I spared the pain and agony of  this, of losing my child, yet my parents were not?

Finally with Wesley - looking back, although his first many weeks were very traumatic, it was nothing compared to what it could have been. He only required a Level II NICU. I have a friend whose baby had to be transferred to a Level III NICU. He could have come MUCH earlier and required many more interventions than he did. He could have been like the baby next to him that required a chest tube. Or the baby that my friend is caring for that required his chest to be open and covered in a membrane so that the doctors could access his heart and surrounding vessels when needed. He could have suffered brain damage. Wesley could not be here, but he is. And he is healthy. And he has no side effects of his early, rough start. Why?

Please do not misunderstand me, I am beyond grateful for me babies. For all of the gifts that they have brought me, brought us as a family. For all of the Irish Luck that they entered the world already embracing. I truly understand and appreciate just how very, very blessed and lucky we are to have them in our lives. I appreciate just how precious life is and how things can change in an instant. I realize just how miraculous each and every one of them are and how incredible our God is to have given us this gift. So in no way am I really, truly questing God and His plan, I am just wondering. And instead of wondering to myself, I am opening myself up. I am allowing the human side of me to come out.....