When Robert and I married on November 1, 2003, we were open to all life that God provided us with. We were open. We were hopeful. We were happy. We both wanted "a houseful."
After Robert came at 36wks due to a placental abruption and velementous cord, we were scared. When Hannah was born at 35wks due to another placental abruption, we were terrified. The docs told us that I would never abrupt again, yet I did and it was worse than the one before. Then, I became pregnant with Wesley and was diagnosed with Factor V Leiden, MTHFR Mutation, and Protein S Deficiency. My abruptions made sense now and I was started on blood thinners for the entire pregnancy in hopes to avoid another abruption. When labor began at 32wks and failed to stop, I was again rushed to the OR for my third emergency c-section. This time, once inside, it was revealed that I was beginning to abrupt....again.
After this, we were told that another pregnancy would result in my life, the baby's life, or both. We were scared. We were terrified. Outsiders advised us to go beyond the confines of our Faith, but we stuck our guns and were open to God's will. And life happened as normal.
When Wesley turned 15months old, I had my first of many surgeries to avoid a hysterectomy. Sadly, each failed and in January of 2011, it was decided that there were no other options, a hysterectomy must occur. I was lost. We were both sad as we now knew our chances of having a bigger family would never happen. I sunk into a depression, while Robert remained my rock. I researched and journaled everyday leading up to the surgery. It was one of the lowest points that I can recall...
March 3, 2011 came and went. I woke in recovery sobbing that this piece of me, a piece of my feminity, was gone forever. But then I saw my children and realized that I am no less their mother. I looked at my husband and realized that I was no less his wife. I was no less the daughter, friend, confidant...
But, I was and forever will be without the part of me that allowed me to co-create new life with my husband and God. And these past 2 weeks has brought up all of those raw emotions that were pushed into the dark recesses of my head. The knowing that this will never happen again is so hard. I loved being pregnant, but I did not fully embrace it. Had I known that that last time, I would have done things differently, taken pictures, journaled more, etc etc...
It took losing my fertility to fully appreciate the true gift that it is, a statement that brings me great sadness...
No comments:
Post a Comment