Life Can Be Cruel

2 weeks ago, I had a positive pregnancy test because of an ovarian cyst. Today, I received formula samples in the mail. Yet, 22 months ago, I had a hysterectomy leaving me unable to ever again grow a child within...

When Robert and I married on November 1, 2003, we were open to all life that God provided us with. We were open. We were hopeful. We were happy. We both wanted "a houseful."

After Robert came at 36wks due to a placental abruption and velementous cord, we were scared. When Hannah was born at 35wks due to another placental abruption, we were terrified. The docs told us that I would never abrupt again, yet I did and it was worse than the one before. Then, I became pregnant with Wesley and was diagnosed with Factor V Leiden, MTHFR Mutation, and Protein S Deficiency. My abruptions made sense now and I was started on blood thinners for the entire pregnancy in hopes to avoid another abruption. When labor began at 32wks and failed to stop, I was again rushed to the OR for my third emergency c-section. This time, once inside, it was revealed that I was beginning to abrupt....again.

After this, we were told that another pregnancy would result in my life, the baby's life, or both. We were scared. We were terrified. Outsiders advised us to go beyond the confines of our Faith, but we stuck our guns and were open to God's will. And life happened as normal.

When Wesley turned 15months old, I had my first of many surgeries to avoid a hysterectomy. Sadly, each failed and in January of 2011, it was decided that there were no other options, a hysterectomy must occur. I was lost. We were both sad as we now knew our chances of having a bigger family would never happen. I sunk into a depression, while Robert remained my rock. I researched and journaled everyday leading up to the surgery. It was one of the lowest points that I can recall...

March 3, 2011 came and went. I woke in recovery sobbing that this piece of me, a piece of my feminity, was gone forever. But then I saw my children and realized that I am no less their mother. I looked at my husband and realized that I was no less his wife. I was no less the daughter, friend, confidant...

But, I was and forever will be without the part of me that allowed me to co-create new life with my husband and God. And these past 2 weeks has brought up all of those raw emotions that were pushed into the dark recesses of my head. The knowing that this will never happen again is so hard. I loved being pregnant, but I did not fully embrace it. Had I known that that last time, I would have done things differently, taken pictures, journaled more, etc etc...

It took losing my fertility to fully appreciate the true gift that it is, a statement that brings me great sadness...

Water, anyone?!?!

Appearantly, Wesley was thirsty....

Welcome 2013

I think we could have started 2013 off a little better, but instead, it has begun with mommy growing an orange on my only remaining ovary and 2/3's of the kiddos getting Croup (and a good case at that) requiring oral prednisone AND 3 doses of Albuterol for each. For the first many days of 2013, I sat around thinking how much worse can this get, and then without fail, one of the kiddos would have a coughing fit that ended in vomiting, or would begin to wheeze and not be able to breathe, or somebody would head butt me in the tummy sending me into a fetal position while crying, or we would go to the doctor for a 3rd visit in less than 24hours.... IT WAS GREAT!

Then came the first Saturday of 2013, and we played games. We laughed. We read. We had fun. We enjoyed being a family. We enjoyed being in each others company - even with sick kiddos, a tired daddy, and an exhausted mommy. This was truly a great day!

But, Sunday was a different story... It began with the rear end of my van becoming very intimate with the front of Robert's truck early in the morning. Then Hannah spiked a high fever and began to wheeze requiring her use of steroids. As much as I wanted to nap, I couldn't and then I had a headache. The day was going bad and just seemed to be at a steady downhill motion.... UNTIL dinner. Our oal as parents for 2013 is to get our kiddos to eat better and try new foods - especially Lil Robert. Well, last night, I made a meatloaf FULL of zucchini and carrots, and onions, and garlic and wouldn't you know it that Lil Robert not only ate it, but has been begging to have it for dinner ALL day! It has only taken 7 years and 9months to get him to try REAL food!  I was sobbing like a baby!

The one thing that has been great so far this year is our school. We seem to be in a good rhythm. The kiddos are fighting me less and understanding more. We still have a ways to go until I think I will be at a happy place with it, but for now, I am grateful for baby steps!

After these first few days of 2013, I think we are ready for anything - So, bring it!

Lil' Robert's Day Spa and Salon

Recently, Lil' Robert has taken a liking to making mommy beautiful! He enjoys doing my hair. My nails. He offered to do my make-up, but I declined!

Here is a picture of my typical hairdo that he will give me....